As the title says, I did it in august and have been feeling terribly unwell since then. It all started when my parent bought 2 pets, one of the pets was getting increasingly aggressive towards the other so I tried to stop it. It didn't work so I had to use a more physical approach and to my surprise I found out I enjoyed bothering my pet for some reason.

(The pets were not dogs, cats, bunnies or any mammalians. They were smaller animals.)

As time went on I realised I kept on getting sexually aroused whenever I hurt my pet, eventually getting to the point where I killed my pet by "accident". I did not intend to kill my pet but my sadistic tendencies caused me to use something that ended up killing it. I was completely devastated after what I did. I literally ran back and forth from the burial place 3 times in hopes of seeing my pet alive again. It yielded no results, obviously.

All that happened 1 year ago. I feel completely devastated for my pet. I have suicidal thoughts every day, I can't concentrate or do anything since then. I'm dead inside.

My childhood was riddled with abuse. Both from school by my class mates and at home by my parents and siblings. I have never been happy in my life, quite literally never been happy, only afraid, stressed and powerless.
I don't like to use my childhood as a justification for my actions, but it is arguably childhood that shapes ones brain and makes darkness potentially grow.

I bought a new pet a while ago and the couple have made 3 younglings. I'm still having sadistic feelings but it is greatily diminished since what I did. One of the younglings fled because seagulls scared it away and I have been feeling even worse since then. I don't know what to do. Thanks to my mental illness I dropped out of university and feel like I'm gonna get a heart attack or something. I hate myself for what I did to my pet. My sadistic feels still won't go away, but they are weaker. Still worrying considering it might come back stronger.

What do I do? My country won't help me, I have been trying to get help for over a year but haven't gotten anything. I literally don't know what to do, I fear I may drop out of university again or start hurting others. I have mild social phobia, autism and PTSD.