Hi fernan,

Welcome to PsychCentral.

I noticed that you posted a similar message in the Autism and Asperger's Syndrome forum.

I understand that your feelings and actions are your own, but from what I have read and somewhat from personal experience, those actions and feelings come about often because of unprocessed trauma. It's very unfortunate that no psychiatrist or anybody else that you've asked for help has done anything.

I'd like to tell you a little about myself so that you might understand that I think I understand where you are coming from, too. I did have sadistic type feelings but I mostly acted them out, so to speak, against myself, beating myself up emotionally and getting a sadistic thrill from that, of which I was barely aware. But as I tried to understand my penchant for emotional self-abuse better, it became more clear to me that the sadistic "enjoyment" kept the whole cycle going despite the pain.

After many long years of therapy for trauma, I finally became aware of some pain from emotional hurts in my childhood that I had made unconscious because they were just too painful. It was extremely painful going through some of that therapy but it has relieved my tendency to beat myself up a lot. And I rarely have a sadistic feeling about it even when I do.

This, I think, supports your idea that the desire to hurt the smaller animals is related to the abuse you experienced in your childhood. But, of course, that doesn't make it go away, either. It's great that you've gained some control over your actions and the feelings are much less, and since the animals weren't mammals, I guess the mental health people you have seen don't see your tendencies as much of a threat.

But it sounds as if those tendencies are having an enormous detrimental effect on YOUR mental health, and if there was abuse in your background you definitely need to get treated for that. In that light, your tendencies are just a symptom of the PTSD or something similar, and the underlying trauma needs to be treated and resolved.

Perhaps my experience and support might help you to contact a mental health professional and make a stronger demand for treatment for the underlying trauma? I hope so. Write back any time. Good luck!