It's weird posting about sessions again. Hmm.

I asked about his vacation, and he said it went well. No pictures like he promised.

Said that things were okay for the most part while he was gone. I said, "You know, things that are important a week ago aren't as important now."

I decided to tell him about the dream I had where he was living on my childhood street. What I came to was that he represents the adult me that's trying to protect myself from going back to a time/place that was nothing but painful. The me in the dream is the me that still wants to cultivate the relationships that I can't have.

Then I mused how weird the session was. It was lighter, more surface level. He said it made sense, because it had been a long time and we're just reconnecting. I said that it was weird that I wasn't crying yet (with like, 20 minutes left in session). He laughed and said "yeah, why aren't you crying yet?"

Then a pause, I was there, willing to talk, but didn't have much to say. So he starts, "well, I know that we've talked about December a little bit..."

Well, that got the tears flowing. I laughed as I started to well up and said, "well that did it. I don't want to think about this." I cried for a minute, tried to recenter myself. "This is all so stupid," I said. I went on to explain how these feelings that I have for him have nothing to do with him as a person. It's just that he's one of very few people who have ever given 2 s**** about me.

He responded that it's possible to have relationships that mimic what he and I have in the real world. I told him that I didn't believe him, because communication in therapy is a false construct. It can't be mimicked in the real world. That in therapy, I was the worst version of myself, and that he's putting on the mask that is the best version of himself. I may have implied that he was a good actor.

He asked me what I meant when I said the worst version of myself. I told him that I've said things to him that I would never say to another human being. Things that are not socially acceptable to say. He said that being vulnerable didn't make me "the worst version of me," and that it's kind of endearing that I can be as open as I am.

I apologized to him, realizing that I had cut him off. I asked him what it was that he wanted to say about December. He said that he wanted to make sure we were using our time remaining productively. I agreed.

We talked about schedule at this point. I told him how much it had pissed me off that he didn't do the scheduling stuff when he said he would. I'm scheduled through the end of October now. When I put my planner away, I sighed, starting to cry. He asked me what was wrong, and I kind of shrugged my shoulders. "Was it what we were talking about before?" I nodded.

"Well," he said, "I don't want to be dismissive of your feelings, but I'm not the only therapist that can help you, you know. When the time comes, I know a lot of people who I think you would work well with."

This is what he said that upset me. I heard what he actually said, but I internalized it at the moment to mean that he didn't want to work with me anymore. That he's somehow not right for me anymore. Of course I didn't say this to him. Why?

So at that point I told him that I wish I hadn't come today. That I didn't want to come back, and I wasn't sure why I did. That I was just setting myself up for more pain. He had some analogy where he related our situation to ripping off a Band-Aid.

Then he "requested" that I reflect on why it is that I don't feel like I can have connected, meaningful relationships with the other people in my life. I laughed, and I said that I knew why, so why reflect? He said that I probably did know from an intellectual place why, but he wanted me to tap into the emotion, but that it was time to stop.

I was more than happy to leave at that point. I stood up and walked out before he was even able to get up. He always walks me out, and today, I left him sitting in his chair.