Hi,

First let me say I am sorry you have gone through the emotional pain you have concerning your feelings toward this person. I do believe you used both alcohol and shoplifting as a type of coping mechanism. I also believe you already know these things to be unhealthy ways of coping so I won't insult you by restating that fact.

I too have BPD. I know the difficulties and frustrations it presents, especially concerning one's social life. It has taken me many years, but I have been able to get some control on it now, though not total control and I don't think I ever will. I believe that is okay though.

So, getting back to you. First thing I had to do was realize my triggers and anything that triggered me into thinking of or in some other way reacting to a trigger even if that trigger wasn't present. For instance, thunderstorms are a trigger for me. At one time, even watching a movie with thunderstorms would trigger me. Once you have those figured out, choose 3-5 healthy coping techniques or methods or strategies to use when needed and use those. For example, mine are: diaphragm breathing, lavender essential oil, writing poetry, visualization, muscle relaxation

It sounds to me like you are longing for this person for more reason than just your past relationship since you already know that to have been unhealthy. Any ideas what reasons those may be?