i've always lived in a dramatic/traumatic life, never had a break ...

there is always something happening.. either with me or family where im in the middle of it...

i can't seem to get away, get out on my own...

im stuck, stuck bad in a rut.. or hole...

living with my dad, been trying to get on disability for 7 years to gain atleast some sort of financial independence.. which is failing and no one is believing that i am capable of getting it besides the clinic which seems to be lies because i keep being denied...

feeling like im going to have no choice but to have to try to find a job some where but i do not believe i will be able to handle it because of these symptoms, i may last a week, but there is no telling when **** will hit the fan and i start having "problems" and become unable to function...

have no self esteem and my confidence is non existent because of my problems which i just seem to ignore completely with a i give no ****s attitude, without hurting anyone or taking anything out on anyone but taking everything out on myself

i dont know what my triggers are, this all started long ago and has been going on for a long time and has just been getting worse and worse... all i know is that i've been trying to ignore it all just to survive and stay out of the major depression that i crash into sometimes, im numb now and dont really know whats going on besides that im just trying to survive...

i dont think i can fix it because i've been trying for so long and things just been getting worse... the doctors havent made any progress either so i have lost faith they can even help...

i feel like the only way i can get better is if i get ahold of myself, but i dont know where i am, i feel like i am missing, there is nothing inside... i am nothing... and i feel like there is nothing here for me... i dont know what i want, what i like... anything... besides getting high to keep it numb and keep from freaking out...

nothing makes sense, its just all confusing and i dont know what to do any more

i think i have totally lost my mind... its not my mind any more

i just want to have a life, i need to create a life... but how do you create a life when you dont know what you want or what you like... when you have so much difficulty functioning and fall apart so fast and struggle with being sober because of it all