I guess i just need to talk/vent here...

I have been diagnosed with SPD a few years ago but since my T didnt like labels i thought he felt forced to give me a dx and only gave it to me for that reason, not because he thought i really have it. but recently i've thought more about it and i think it could be right. especially for the feeling that life passes me by.

life seems to be so different for other people. to the point that i often wonder if they only fake it. they can fall in love, get married, have kids, keep a job... and it all seems to be normal for them, almost effortless. do they ever wonder if thats what they truly want? do they truly want this life as it is? do their feelings guide them? are they truly spontaneous? i really wonder how living as they seem to do would feel. i never dreamed about sharing my life with another person. i need my alone time and especially sleeping alone too much.

today the daughter of my parents' friends had her first baby. she is younger than me. i feel this only proves what a big failure i am at life. i know this is very selfish of me, because it is not about me, but my parents look up to these friends and i feel not only a big failure to myself, but also huge disappointment for them.

i still live with them, i dont have a real job and except for a semi-long-distance-relationship based all on fantasies, i dont have friends or romantic relationships. and im not even sure i want one. the thought of at some point having to live with someone - for the rest of my life - feels scary and only a duty. seriously, how can people do that???

my parents forced me to text congrats to this friend and then even wanted me to congratulate with the new granparents when they came home to show the pics. i refused to meet with the granparents. the only thought of being seen (im ashamed of that) and having to completely fake positive feelings that i do NOT feel seemed too exhausting. i do not feel happy for them and i truly wonder how can my parents feel happy for them. are they secretly envying them but pretend to be happy? i cannot explain this to myself. how can they be sincerely happy for them????

i think the closer i could get to feeling happy for someone was if i felt i too had something in my life to be happy about, but since i hate everything of my life, i can not. i envy others but im not sure i'd want the same for myself. does it make any sense? i envy their normality. and cant help wondering if they only fake it. if life itself is only about pretending. when i happened to be in a relationship, i didnt really want to be with that person, i only liked feeling/being seen as normal...

im not without feelings, but when its about people, i dont think my feelings are what they're supposed to be. so i have no choice but to pretend or lie. social norms, mainly seem fake/meaningless to me. i had to consciously learn them and learn how to apply them. they rarely match with my feelings. what i hate the most is pretending happiness. maybe because i feel it so rarely...

anyone can relate to anything of this?