(NOTE: I posted this in the NPD forum, too. I apologize for a repost. I missed this board before.)

Hello - this could get pretty long, but please bear with me. I'm scared and really in need of some advice. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

I've just joined after a severe fight with my twin. This kind of fight is nothing new, unfortunately, but I noticed that today in particular there was no obvious trigger, and it got really nasty really fast. I'm getting scared. I've thought about us splitting up for a while now, but we don't really have the means, and I would be a liar if I said I don't want to just abandon my sister. We've been together since we were babies - we're more or less a team.

I don't know what's going on - I really don't - but I know it's not normal. What I've read about NPD scares me, as it seems to match exactly my sister's situation. And yet I know from trying to talk to her that there is no way she would ever consider treatment or even calm discussion, let alone even considering the idea of having this. Our mother has often behaved the same way, and I've long known that she has some condition like this. I would not be surprised if my twin has it as well. Maybe me, now, too? I don't even know anymore.

Today's fight started because I was writing a letter. We needed it finished ASAP, or we weren't going to have it done on time, so I was doing it as quickly as I could. My twin came into the room and in a very dark tone, asked me, "What part are you writing?"

When I answered that I was just writing it as fast as I could so that we'd have it done on time, she instantly got incredibly angry and stalked into the room, yelling at me, asking what part I was doing and why I was being so suspicious. Of course I thought she was being the suspicious one. What did it matter what part I was doing?? We needed to get it done - that's all I was thinking. In her mind, there was some magical part in the letter that needed to be written by her and only her. She wasn't even telling me what part that was!

When I did finally tell her what part I was on, not understanding at all why I was being asked that, she claimed that I had been purposely hiding it so that she wouldn't know and that I was trying to take all the credit for the letter. To be fair, the letter was going to someone she likes from the both of us, but I genuinely was not writing it to "take away her love interest" or anything like that, and anyway, it was being signed from both of us (with her name first, naturally). Still, she refused to see it. She flipped out, and then started the threats. She has always made threats, ever since we were children.

My insecurities are her first go-to's when she attacks. My skin is not as nice as hers, so that's her primary attack. My skin, teeth, and other appearance points. She loves to attack my appearance. When I told her that karma would give her the same appearance if she kept saying such things, there was such horror and malevolence in her eyes. As if I was a demon for even suggesting such a thing, rather than she being in the wrong for saying it in the first place. Now I throw back similar comebacks when she starts up like that, and she always says, "You're so evil, using those things against me!" I shouldn't be using them. I feel like I'm turning into her or my mother. But they're the only things that seem to get her back! She doesn't see that her using my insecurities in the first place was wrong, only that me using hers as a retaliation are wrong.

There are huge issues with control, too. She's the younger twin, but it's like she needs to have control over every aspect of my life. If I buy the same things as her (clothes, shoes, etc.) she gets mad and insists I put them back, because "she got them first" (whether she did or not). Recently, I went shopping after I got my paycheck. Every little thing I bought she examined. When I got a pair of shoes, she said angrily, "Oh. You got another pair of shoes." Not because she thought I was wasting money (this time, anyway), but because SHE didn't get them. The day before, she had just said the same thing about some dresses I'd bought, stating that she didn't want me buying dresses that would outdo her for an event we were going to. As if that was my intention! When in fact, all I was doing was buying clothes that were on sale and that I really liked. Today, we were supposed to dress casually and quickly so we could get out the door to deliver the letter I mentioned. I did just that, but she went out of her way to dress incredibly fancy and nice. When I reminded her that we didn't have time for that and asked her why she was going out of her way to dress extra fancy when we'd agreed to dress down for the day for the sake of getting out on time, she simply threatened not to go at all and not let me take the letter we'd spent the entire morning working on (and fighting over). (In fact, the whole way to our destination, she kept up this same threat of "going back home and not letting me deliver the letter", which she insisted on holding onto, of course.)

In recent days, I've wanted to just do some things on my own - go shopping, have lunch, do some writing...She didn't like that. She got incredibly angry and began threatening me again when I said I didn't want to go all the way back into the city to go shopping again. Because SHE wanted to go, therefore that seemed to make it a priority for both of us. She couldn't accept when I told her I didn't want to and preferred to do something else. As a matter of fact, I hadn't even told her outright - she just surmised it herself and blew up, as a result. Recently, when we went out to do some writing together, she got mad the moment I started writing. "Don't write anything without me," she demanded. So I regrettably didn't. A few days later, she went out to do some writing on the same piece we were working on together, but had no problem "writing without me". I actually didn't have a problem with her writing without me either. What I had a problem with was her nonstop insistence that I don't write unless it's with her. What is this!?!?

The control issues get worse, though, and I've tried to point this out to her, but she doesn't get it. For instance, she insists I don't get to post certain things on my social media unless she gets to do it first, or do it, too. Sometimes she just doesn't want me to post it at all. She NEEDS to be the one to do it. If I complain and say I should be allowed to post what I want when I want, she starts making threats. She often uses threats when I'm doing something she doesn't want me to do. As said before, that's her go-to and has been since we were children. I still have a vivid memory of her locking me in my own room when we were kids and threatening to beat me up using the martial arts she was studying.
With fights, I used to ask her what I'd done wrong or if we could calmly discuss the situation, which would work only to a point before she'd get mad when it was my turn to express my side. They never ever reached a solution. She can't listen. She needs to state her point of view, and it must be the only point of view. There is no room for anyone else's. If I bring up something she dislikes or disagrees with, even during a "rational discussion", she'll instantly start talking over me. She literally cannot see how what she did might have upset or hurt someone. It's like only she can be hurt. I've mentioned this in the few times we have managed to begin a "civil discussion" during fights, and it sets her off. When I also mention that she's not thinking about what she did and how it might have affected someone, that really pisses her off. She doesn't remember doing it, or she really doesn't believe she did it. I don't know which, but it's terrifying! There is no way to bargain with someone who is in a hateful rage and truly believes they are the victim, or that their target is deserving of their anger. She also always brings up past situations - not always as they were, sometimes as how she imagined them, in which of course I have done some wrong.

There is the whole "moving the goalposts" thing, too. She'll demand I do something, and if I do it, she doesn't care or will say it didn't matter. But I get that "walking on eggshells" feeling every time she makes these demands. I know if I don't do it, she'll be extremely angry. This has happened EVERY time I have not done something she demanded. It started a whole new fight. Most recently I did a translation that she insisted I do by the time she came home, and though I was exhausted and didn't want to, I felt scared that it would set her off, so I did it (poorly) anyway. When she came home, she said it didn't matter and we probably wouldn't be using it anyway. I was upset. But she couldn't understand why. For her, she either didn't remember she'd demanded it of me, couldn't understand why it would upset someone to be asked to do such a difficult thing for nothing, or both.

In addition, I'm currently paying our rent every month. We were supposed to split it, of course, but she seems to like to conveniently forget. If I ask her when she's going to pay her half, she gets really angry and always, ALWAYS, says, "NOW is not the time for this." When I say things like, "Well, then when IS a good time? Because seeing that small number in my bank account is setting my nerves on edge," she gets really, really nasty. She almost always tells me, "You just never pick a good time." But that seems to be the go-to answer for any time I ask. Suffice it to say, I don't usually get paid unless SHE feels like paying. On the flipside, whenever I have owed her even a few dollars, she'll get especially demanding and nasty if I don't pay it back immediately. If I bring up the rent or say, "Well, you still haven't paid me back for this yet," she'll say it doesn't matter, because she'll pay it later, and that she wants her money now "or else".


This is going to sound dumb, but she also goes out of her way to make sure I see her flicking me off. We're both a little superstitious, but in her mind, if I actually actively see her sticking up her middle finger, it will be an actual f*** you. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. We have nearly gotten into fist fights because she would grab me or thrust her finger in my face if I tried to look away or walk away. And there's no defending myself. If I even try to defend myself or use force of any kind, I'm a monster and she does not hesitate to attack full-force. Too many times I have felt like a cornered animal who can do absolutely nothing to escape the situation.

She does the "triangulation" thing all the time to me, too, to bolster her arguments. "This [shared friend of ours] said [this nasty thing] about you, too." Or "You should hear what [this shared acquaintance] really thinks of you. They agreed with me when I mentioned it." She also always threatens to write to our friends or family and tell them "how awful I am".

In short, our fights will be extremely illogical. They're emotionally-abusive and borderline violent. I can't say half the time why they've started, unless I know I've explicitly gone against her wishes. I say it too often: It's her way or the highway. With me, I have to be a mindreader, or I've messed up. Worse than that, even if I did always tell her she's right or "sorry", I know it wouldn't be good enough, and it wouldn't end the fights. And of course that's just not a way to live.

With the constant demands, shaming, controls, and threats...I know this situation is bad. I feel it with my whole body and the way I feel like I've aged after every fight we have. My blood pressure would probably attest to this, even though I'm just 27.

We are very close - we are twins, after all, and have been together all our lives. Breaking apart would be hard on both of us, and I love my sister with all my heart. But I feel the unbelievable weight of the stress of being together. Today, I didn't think I could take it - my heart felt weak, I got a bad migraine, and when my sister started crying about "me not caring and therefore being evil" (that was seriously her go-to), I felt no pity whatsoever. In fact, I felt like she was finally getting a taste of her own medicine. But I don't want to become the kind of person who can't even empathize. I don't want to be the kind of person who is happy seeing anyone, even potential bullies, be sad or hurt. Especially my own twin. Today, when I finally managed to separate from her for the day (on her terms, of course), I nearly had a mental breakdown in the cafe I went to. I've been close after fights with her, but never that close - never close enough that I felt my mind THIS close to slipping away from me.

Maybe it's too late? I don't know anymore. But what do I do? I know I can't take this anymore, and I'm willing to bet she can't either. I just don't think she'll seek treatment. Please, any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. I'm scared and exhausted from constantly treading on this thin ice. Thank you in advance to anyone who can give some advice.