My death has been on my mind for the last week and a half. I know financially and emotionally my husband needs me. I don’t trust his taste in women anyway. I know he’ll be “okay” after a couple of years. Miguel will be close to being an adult by the time he starts dating again. He’s sick currently so I can’t bother him with my thoughts.He’s bad enough he restarted meds. He’s probably thinking the same things.So the only people I have right now is you guys, Sorry I’m so needy. I don’t have a plan just a desire not to wake up in the mornings/afternoon. I’m sleeping as much as I can. I’m really hating second guessing myself. He’s always there for me. Why can’t I be there for him? My T and I made a safety plan Thursday. I think all the pdoc or T is going to say is to take more meds. I don’t want more meds. I want to learn how to be a “normal” human being. I need hobbies, and exercise but I won’t even leave the house alone because someone may be watching me or hurt me. Last T appointment I realized how unwell I still am after 6 months. I’ve been at this clinic for a year now. About 3 months with this T. I need a way to safely destruct. I don’t even remember the last time I showered I need to do laundry before showering. I was supposed to order Miguel’s books for school that starts in two weeks. Instead I’m sitting here feeling bad I’m alive.