Someonearound;5750726] hi there. firstly you have my empathy in feeling alone etc. i do feel, however, that you seems to self-sabotage. there are many reasons why we might self-sabotage. however, this can happen when we don't feel deserving of whatever our goal is. it's often to do with thinly veiled low self-esteem, even though the behavior can seem hedonistic. other reasons can include your need to be in CONTROL of your behavior. or success may feel like your an impostor, so failure is more desirable than being ''found out'' so speak. it's often considered that someone is scared of success and the responsibility it might brings or/and the EXPOSURE it brings. self-sabotage means you can lie low and never be criticized. have a think around the above phenomena.

by destructive I mean; leave jobs where I was well positioned, request credit cards which I know I do not have chances to repay, do not pay attention to friendships and screw them.

It is true that I had or have an ego based behavior, but I want to change, I want to be better, and to be better I feel that I need to understand me better, else I think I may fall into the same trap over and over.

I wish I could find someone like a doctor or shaman, or spiritual guide, who I could expose "my book" and receive an advice on where does my behavior origins from.

Thanks for your words! It made me shift immediately in the thinking perspective. Maybe I am simply maturing after all ...[/QUOTE]