I DON'T trust my therapist. He does things that remind me of my mother. Then I have to work very hard to figure out whether he is my mother or not.

What kinds of "things" does my therapist do that remind me of my mother? Well, he tries to manage his own anxieties (as I see it) by doing things such as contra-dicting me -- and (again as I see it) he does these things without knowing that he is doing them. For instance, I think I must be almost continually broadcasting anxiety or near-panic. When I say something anxiety-filled, he almost always immediately says something to contra-dict what I have just said. If I say that it scares me sometimes to come on Psych Central, he will immediately try to tell me that my fears are irrational. I already know that! After he tells me, I am still as afraid as I was before. I perceive that he has not heard me, but instead has tried to repudiate what I just said, I presume in order to relieve his OWN anxiety. He tells me that he is arranging his behavior to show that he is a safe person. That actually makes me MORE afraid. He does not want to let ME discover for MYSELF that he is safe; he wants to MAKE me believe it. He wants to STOP me expressing anxiety. He does not do things that let ME decide that I don't NEED to feel anxious.

My mother used to tell us things were OK too. They were not. Her saying so was often a prelude to (another) immediate attack. Do you remember Mao's "Let a thousand flowers bloom"? What happened to the flowers that took him at his word and started to bloom? They got their heads cut off.

Of course, my mother had a different means of discharging her anxiety than my therapist. She would often assault us verbally or physically, usually both. At other times she would just contradict anything we tried to tell her, as though anything we said that wasn't what she wanted us to say was a massive threat to her. Although my therapist has not hit me (yet), and probably won't, I am still reacting to his attempts (as I now see them) to control his own anxieties by contra-dicting me when I say something "wrong." And I get confused and frightened: is he going to do the same thing to me as my mother did?

And if my therapist is NOT going to hit me, is he reliable enough as a help if he does things that he does not see? What if I panic (and I certainly can do that) and he does not know enough to know how to handle that? What kind of danger can I get into when I panic and he panics?

So what should I do? Try to find another therapist who is more aware of what she is doing than my therapist is of what he is doing? Are such therapists easy to find? Is it even possible to find one? My evaluation is that there are very, very few people who really are aware of why they do things the way they do. Especially when they are confronted with anxiety-broadcasting people like me.

Should I try to tell my present therapist that he is doing something that he doesn't realize, and that it massively disturbs me -- so much so that it takes me days sometimes to recover from it? What will happen if I tell him? Will he just deny it? I know my mother could never stand any contra-diction or advice from any of us children. It would drive her into an immediate rage. Most people have a hard time receiving criticism of any kind, since in our society it is seen as, and often is, an attack.

Is there any way for me to make use of my present therapy situation even if I DON'T trust my therapist? Can I learn enough from it to make advances without totally freaking out in the process? For now it is a mighty close thing.

The person I am most coming to trust most these days is MYSELF. Or rather, my instincts, perceptions of reality, the insights I find myself developing. But I also realize I am NOT a very trustworthy source, either.