what sort of list would i make? suggestions please? i find it hard to distinguish things that are just part of being a good, professional from anything else.

he does seem happy to see me, but he knows how hyper-perceptive i am and if he didn't appear that way i would assume he didn't want to see me... how can i know that it isn't just a technique done to help me?

he was happy about his xmas gift, that i am sure of... it was so cute and it was very genuine... he was not acting like he was being deliberate at all, pure reaction. He actually rattled it and stopped himself. He says he will put it under his tree and in his voicemail he said he had not opened it. He did open the cake b/c i told him he should and he said he'd eaten most of it, said i was a very good cook and he seemed kind of tickled when he said it.

those things count... but the things which can be read as being a good T.. well, can't see how to count those.

i asked him for a voicemail, which he gave, and i asked how to hold onto the connectedness. He said it was definitely there and to use imagery, remind myself of things that were said, feelings etc. But he never talks about connection otherwise. He never says he's concerned or worried. i think honestly that he doesn't because he is worried i would simply run away and never come back.

he is never obviously or directly caring... you know, never says it, doesn't do a lot of stuff that i wouldn't just expect of a good T anyway. He's a sweetheart, you know.. just a good person generally. He isn't "uncaring."

he reads all my letters (paper) which are typically 1-2pages, and he says he reads them twice, once when he gets them and once before next session. he returns all calls when i ask for that but we have a system where he is ok with me taking up his time by leaving long messages which do not ask for a call back. He allows me to run over time slightly sometimes and once just said he didn't need to be anywhere else so we talked longer.

i dunno... the way we talk together is very easy. i just dont know.

i struggle with this so hard. it's a very important question to me at this point because i am at a threshold... i am really unwilling to go further without a certain kind of feeling with me.

i am not stupid. i know the professional limitations of the relationship, so i know that he is hardly thinking of me all day... but i wonder if i EVER cross his mind... does he ever wonder how i coping or doing? DOes he ever wonder if i am ok?

he read a letter i wrote explaining a past trauma and he said he felt physically sick... what does that say? is that simply being a good T?

i dunno... i just dunno