**trigger warning-death related, car accidents, cancer, etc**

As much as I have been through counseling I have never really dealt with my fear of death. It has been with me a very long time and has impacted my life. There have been some recent triggers that has brought this issue up for me lately. Some bad accidents in my area, the anniversary of my cousin's death (due to cancer at a young age), a news story of a car accident where I accidentally clicked on an actually video that showed the victim (and I couldn't get it out of my head and kept going back to watch it) and that I am back to work and have had to leave my one year old in daycare (causing a life adjustment).

I believe my fear is more on the OCD spectrum of things. As mentioned I have been through lots of counseling and I have had different diagnoses throughout my life. Currently my diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder with a touch of OCD and ADHD. I have been diagnoses with major/minor depression and GAD before too. I do not have any OCD behaviors, just thoughts. I have been suffering from Intrusive Thoughts lately and am trying to manage them with DBT skills. It's not really working though. I have come to realize that 99% if the intrusive thoughts are death related. I didn't drive for years because I was so afraid of getting into an accident. Now I am finding I worry constantly about it. Everyday when I get in my car I am worrying that I will get in an accident and die, or if my daughter is in the car with me she will die. I worry my husband will die going to work and about my parents etc. It has not made me avoid driving completely yet, but I can physically fill the anxiety.

The intrusive thoughts are terrible. I see horrible things happening to my daughter and worry about her so much. I think such stupid things like that some drunk driver will crash into her stroller when they are out for a walk, or a person with a gun will go in and shot them all (intrusive thoughts are so hard to explain...they just pop into my head).

I am not currently under medical care. I am not currently on medication. Yes I know that I probably should be...but that's not why I am posting this. I want to try to resolve this myself and am wondering if anyone has any suggestions. Are there any books on this, any online counseling help? Any strategies? I tend to be the type of person who wants to know "why" with everything. I did not experience any real traumatic events related to death, so I don't get it. The only thing I can think of as a contributing factor is my mom is a BIG worrier. I saw her worry about things like car accidents growing up. I remember when a kid we know got into a bad car accident she went on and on about it. It happened before I started driving and I think she was trying to teach me that I need to be careful once I am driving, but it made me be fearful instead.

Anyway, any help would be appreciated. Yes I know I should be in counseling for this, I do not want to me. I also do not want to go back on medication as the side effects far outweigh the benefits in my case.

Also, something to not-I do not believe in the afterlife. I believe when we die we are gone completely. I wish I could believe in the afterlife. I just do not think it exists. I don't think I will see my loved ones again. I do not think that anyone is watching out for me from above or anything either.
Thank You