MC today. Sat down, made some small talk. I told MC I had a random question for him: "Are you moving to the Bahamas?" He said he hadn't planned on it. I said I asked because he told me that in a dream the other night. And that he was also speaking in a British accent. He said, "I have no plans to move to the Bahamas, but I do intend to adopt a British accent." H said to MC, "Just so you know, I don't dream about you!" I was like, "I dream about all sorts of people!"

I commented how the past week had gone fairly well. He said in that case, did we want to talk about some bigger issues that we wanted to address, like as goals. H and I each mentioned a few things, like financial stuff, feeling loved by the other, parenting, etc. For several of them, one or both of us said that actually, it had gotten better. MC made note of that, saying it was a good thing, that we could step back and see we'd made this progress. He compared it to standing on the side of a mountain, seeing how far you'd come.

Of course around this point, the panic started kicking in that he was going to talk about termination and I started to get a little teary. MC then said of course we hadn't reached the top yet, that there's room to work on things, and I felt a sense of relief.

I said there was something related to last week that I wanted to talk about if that was OK (they said yes), but that I wasn't sure if it would make any sense. "Welcome to my world," MC said. I said it was about how after last session, I had asked H that night if he had wanted to talk about it more, like if it had worried him. He'd said it wasn't that he wasn't worried, but that he didn't feel the need to talk about it anymore. I said that I felt like I both didn't want him to worry about me and DID want him to worry about me. How I had sort of wanted to talk about it more.

H said he guessed he could have asked me whether I wanted to talk about it. But that my question had been to him about whether he needed to talk. He said he was concerned and worried a bit when I said things like that, but it's not like he's laying awake at night about feelings I'd said I had 2 weeks ago. I tried to better explain the wanting him to worry, but not, and don't think I was doing a very good job.

MC jumped in and said he had a feeling he knew what it was about, that maybe it wasn't just about acute moments like that but more general. He picked up a pillow, and I was like, "Are you going to hit me with that?" (It goes back to some sessions way back when he'd have H hit me with a pillow in session when I said something self-defeating.) MC responded, "We'll see how this goes first!"

Then he wrapped his arms around the pillow, rocking back and forth, patting the pillow as though it was a baby. He asked if we'd remembered that from him doing that before, and we said yes. Then, continuing to rock and pat the pillow, he said things including, "It's OK." "I'm here for you." "I love you." "I'm not going anywhere." (Cue paternal transference pangs...) Then he said to me that maybe that's what I'm really looking for from H, but on a more adult level. That I want the reassurance, the emotional connection. I was tearing up at this point and said the fact that I was crying meant that what he said was probably true.

I said it was like this article I'd read in a Parenting column where when she was asked about how to help anxious kids, the columnist said to "fill their tank," like express love/caring to them, hold and hug them often, etc. MC said he thought it was interesting that I'd referred to a parenting column. Because it sounds like what I'm looking for is for someone to act as a protector and caregiver, which is a bit different than a marriage. I said I guessed so, but that can't people have those roles in a marriage, too? Like acting as protectors and caregivers for each other? Maybe not at the same time, but at different times. MC agreed with that. But his point was more that my need partly came from a different place.

I asked if that meant that H couldn't fulfill it. MC said he didn't think that was the case. But that I had to be mindful of what's coming from stuff with H and what's from my past, as in childhood. Because H can't help with that stuff.

We talked about ways that H could express that to me. Which led to me saying the brilliant line, "I think it needs to be verbal...like...words." I started laughing once I realized what I'd said, and MC and H were laughing, too. When he was done laughing, MC gave me this warm smile that, combined with the look in his eyes, seemed affectionate, like a father smiling at his daughter.

MC then said that my difficulty in explaining what I need makes sense because it's not so much about words, but about emotion. Like the emotion behind what H would say to me. I said that probably wasn't too helpful to H! We talked bit about tone of voice, with H saying how I tend to misinterpret his tone with stuff.

MC said with the emotion thing, that H shouldn't think about it too much. Or else it would be like--he demonstrated as he was talking "OK, sit up straight, tilt your head, then smile" and he gave this big creepy fake smile. H was like, "Oh God, now I can't unsee that. That was some American Horror Story kind of stuff right there." I was like, "Yeah, that was pretty creepy!" MC apologized.

I said I knew we had to stop soon, and MC looked at the clock and said he was due to get his next client in 1 minute, so he wasn't late yet! (We'd pretty much started on time, so we were in there close to an hour.) Scheduled for next week, H declined shaking MC's hand because he's getting sick. I said I was OK as far as I knew and shook MC"s hand and held onto it maybe a half-second longer than usual. H did give me a hug at my car, which was nice.