Long session notes...
We got into your office. I sat briefly on the couch and then slipped onto the floor. I don’t remember if you said anything here in surprise. It feels like you did. I’m not sure. You asked if I wanted you to sit on the floor too. I said yes. You moved the chair and sat down on the floor. I asked if you were ok, and you said yes but that you’d take a pillow for your back. You said that I should feel free to grab a pillow if I wanted one.

I asked you how you were, you said good. You asked me how I was, I said ok. I was sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest, tucked small. I pulled out and handed you the pirate book and asked you to read to me. You said yes. As you took the book, I said that we are on chapter 3. You said that you were about to ask me what chapter because you didn’t remember. You sat closer and turned to show me the book. I laid down on the floor, curled up on my side. You read the story. I giggled a little and closed my eyes some. I could have fallen asleep if I would have let myself. Maybe I should have. I was feeling young. I started to feel guilty about having you read so much and was about to tell you to stop when you flipped the pages forward a bit and I saw we were almost to the end of the chapter. So I let you keep reading. Once you finished, you asked me if I knew how it ended and I said no, that I hadn’t read past what you had read to me. You said so it is a mystery to both of us. I said yes. You scooted back in place against the wall and I sat back up. I again tucked my knees up to my chest.

Slight pause, and then I said that I didn’t have a topic to talk about today. You asked me how that felt. Pause, pause.. look away. Tears started to fill my eyes. I came back to you and said I don’t know. I said that I was sad. You asked me if I felt it any place specific or where it was coming from. Look away, look back, shrug, I don’t know, I don’t know. I said that I know possibles not sure if that is where it is coming from.

I told you about feeling young today and lots of thinking of you as mommy today. I told you about the walk to session and feeling like I was going to get in trouble when I got here. You asked by you, and I said yes. You asked me if it was about anything specific. I said I don’t know. I said that I didn’t get the journal done. I’m not sure that was it. I’m not sure.

At some point early in the session, I told you I was feeling young. You commented on me talking softly. I asked if I did that when I feel young. You said that you were still trying to figure out what the soft talking was part of. One of us said that I am not always soft when I am young, I said I wasn’t soft when I was playing with the remote control cars, and you agreed. And I said I giggled that first time you read to me the pirate book. You also agreed.

I told you about talking with a friend today and how she had asked a question and how I felt the anxiety increase, rocking, weeping, … you said melt into something. I said I stopped it before then. That I got to “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t want to be here.” Place and I walked away for a moment. I took a break. You asked if the friend respected that. I said oh yeah, I said that we are good that way. I said it surprised me cuz we were talking and I was answering her questions and I just felt the floor go out from under me. You asked about it being a quick drop and I said yes. But I was able to stop it. You said I was and that I did good. I think you asked me how I felt about the friend respecting my need to stop. I said that she felt bad. It wasn’t her fault. It was good that she let me change the topics. I said that we all try to be good about that, respectful. You just never know. I told you that we were talking about something I hadn’t shared with you. The friend had asked me several questions, one of them being how I hoped you would respond and I was fine until I started to answer the question and it just went deep really fast. Needed to stop. That left me in a bit of a funk in my head. Tired, felt almost like how they describe post seizure exhaustion.

I was crying and sad, really sad. I said I should go. You asked me if I wanted to go. I didn’t answer, I starred at the floor. You asked lots of questions, I didn’t answer them, I looked at the floor and back at you. You breathed, I tried to breath, it didn’t work. You said that you didn’t want me to go. That I was always free to a leave if I wanted to. Lots of silence on my side. I think.. I’m not so sure …. you asked me if I believed I should go, I starred at you. You asked me where the thought/belief came from. I said I don’t know. Thoughts… not spoken… “if you are going to cry, go to your room. No one wants to be around someone crying”, “I need to leave”, “Not supposed to be around someone when sad”. I asked you if it is ok to be sad. You said it was ok to be sad in the room, ok to feel anything. I don’t believe you… I think “go to room”. I stare at you. I look at floor. I asked you if it is hard for you. You talk about me trying to protect you. I tell myself to look at you, that you will help calm me if I look at you. I look, I look away. I can’t look at you for long. “people don’t want to be around sad people, I should go, I am bothering you, I am wasting your time.” You say stuff… stuff about it being ok, the room being safe, I can bring whatever here, including sad. I’m not really listening. I think you said something about me a leaving again (not sure), maybe you said you wanted me to stay.

We sit in silence, I look at you. After a bit, I asked you how your weekend was. You said let me think for a minute, I smiled at this. You said it was good. I am still quiet, not talking for a moment. I want to tell you about Grandson, Wife, the weekend, the movie in the park, the wanting you. I want you.

I started to say something or maybe you just said that you wanted to ask if I got to see Grandson this weekend. That you knew I was supposed to see him but didn’t know if I got to see him. I told you that I did, that we had him Friday night and Saturday night. I said that I didn’t get to spend as much time with him because I had too many chores to do.

I told you about movie night. You asked me what movie, I said Moana. You didn’t recognize it, I said it was Disney’s movie from last year. I told you about how I had thought about emailing you because I thought it would be a good situation for you to meet Grandson. How we could meet, do the introductions, and quick exchanges then go our separate ways in a crowd large enough to get lost in. You said a happenstance meeting. I said yes. I said that in the end what I realized is that I wanted to let you know that if we were out (and especially if you knew/thought Grandson was with me) and you saw me, to approach me, in case I didn’t see you. You thanked me and reminded me that you usual policy was to let the client take the lead. You said something else here that let me know that you accepted what I said as “permission” to approach me in public.

I talked about grandson being a little challenging this weekend and told you about the port-a-potty incident and the tot incident. I also told you about him wanting to sit in my lap throughout the entire movie and about the “I love you, I love you, I love you” encounter. I told you that it reminded me of how I feel when I feel the I love you about you, how it is a repetitive statement in my head, for like 3-4 times. We concluded this part with the comment that he was just being a boy/kid.

I talked to you about some of my frustrations with my wife from this weekend. I told you about how she communicated with grandson around the tot incident and then about the household chore stuff. I told you about how she was going to be gone this weekend and possibly the next. I said I was looking forward to the break. I also said I thought it wasn’t good that I wanted such a break. I said something about wanting some down time and not feeling like I was getting any. I told you that I haven’t brought any of this up to wife because of what she brought up a few weeks back. You agreed that this weekend might provide an opportunity to have some me time.

Our time was up. I said that it was that time. You looked over at the clock and said yes. I got sad again. I slowly packed up. I said Thursday. You said something about it coming quickly. I said we’d get through this part and then it won’t be so hard. You said yes.

I thanked you for the email. I said that something happened Saturday night and the notification got cleared. I think you said you were sorry. I said that I still had the email, just … you said it is not the same, that I showed you. I nodded. I thanked you for being here. You thanked me for being here, being me. I got up and sat on the couch. You got up and talked about your hip being stiff. You said that it wasn’t too bad from sitting on the floor but can get stiff in some of the chairs. You said old age. I said something about it sucking and not being able to stay young forever. You said it was better than the alternative. In that moment, I wasn’t so sure. I said something about science discovering new things… you said something about new kidney’s.

I stood, you stood. We were facing each other. I said I love you, you said you knew. I said I miss you, you said you knew. I said I’m sorry. You didn’t say anything. I got the feeling from how you looked that you thought I had nothing to be sorry about. I told you to tell me it is ok. You said it is ok, that all feelings are ok, (something like that). I said that I was going to leave now and cry. We went to leave and you tried to push the door open and it is a pull (or vice versa) which reminded you of a far side cartoon. You told me the story of the cartoon. I smiled. I got to the base of the stairs and you said something about Thursday. I said 71 hrs. You looked puzzled at me, I said it used to be 47 hours now it is 71 hours. You nodded and said 71 hours. You told me to have a safe trip home. I left. These last to things put a slight smile on my face (as did some other things throughout the session). I didn’t start crying until I got on the train to go home.