Goodness in him...? Well, he's always seemed to be an upstanding person. He stops to help anyone broken down beside the road, offers a ride to anyone walking. He goes well out of his way to help his friends or really anyone who needs anything. He's very well-loved and known for his selflessness towards anyone in need. And that's what's killing me, quite honestly; the discrepancy between what a stranger with a flat tire can get from this man, and what his partner can elicit from him...

There's no denying that he has covert narcissistic traits, which took me a loooong time to ferret out. That totally blindsided me, after leaving an overtly abusive partner who could well be the poster child for the more openly ME ME ME type, (and being raised by one somewhere in the middle). I thought that I could spot one at 1000 yards. I suspect that his acts of humanity and charity have a lot to do with personal validation and to reassure him that he's a good person. But isn't all altruism arguably selfish in nature, when we do it because it's what good people do, when we desire to be good people? aAnd none of that requires any intimacy or respect for women, both of which seem to trouble him on some level. This is all something of a recent revelation for me, and I suspect that I have been denying his abusive tendencies out of being rather loathe to admit that I'd fallen for this kind of crap...again. He seemed like the polar opposite, but I suppose that they always do.

Besides being totally unable to accept any form of criticism tho, he isn't really narcissistic at all. But that is, of course, a rather glaring fault. And the inability to feel any compassion for me and my problems goes right along with it, in the event that some blame or whatever sort should fall on him in the course of an argument...

This latest round was over the fact that it hurts my feelings that he is never concerned about me being hurt or wronged by any 3rd party, specifically his uncle making way too many unwelcome sexual advances towards me. That, of course, led as always to him snidely telling me to "lower my voice", in spite of the fact that he is well aware that any reference to vocal volume during a dispute immediately reverts me, emotionally, straight back to the torturous place I was once forced to occupy as an abused child. Specifically, 10 years old, and told not to scream as I was hung out a window by my hair. Well, that was clearly a loaded set of dice, as anyone with half a brain is going to find that rather terrifying, with only the integrity of one's pelt and scalp standing between them and a 25 ft drop to pavement. The inevitable screaming led to the neighbors glancing up towards the house, so I was angrily hauled back in, none too gently, and several of my fingers were slammed in a dresser drawer as punishment for that. I managed to get away and got hold of the telephone, and tried frantically to dial for help, but it was ripped away and broken on the side of my face. My mother had gotten in her car and driven away as soon as my door had been knocked off the hinges, because she wasn't very keen on hearing me scream, either, and preferred to remain ignorant of such things. That way she could tell herself that I had somehow provoked it. That was my stepfather, and he himself endured a horrifically abusive childhood of abject poverty and violence in immediate post-war France. My mother practically had a white picket fence in front of her childhood, in spite of her mother being seriously ill at times, and had to know that it was wrong. I've had some half-assed apologies over the years, but it still hurts. And nothing pisses me hell off and makes me have an absolute full-scale meltdown like those ******* words. And my partner knows all of this.

And yet he pretends that it is totally necessary to say them to me if he's losing in an argument, or can't find a way to weasel out of a valid point I've made, or find a suitable answer to a difficult question. It's a low blow, a cheap shot, and nothing else. He will defend his need to say that until he is blue in the face, despite admitting that it has the opposite effect on me. Anyone who knows me knows this. The only other person who had "trouble remembering" not to do this was my very abusive ex. I can't make my current partner understand how utterly crippling it is to have this done to me over and over. It's not the kind of thing that just goes away as soon as the fight is over...

I suppose what I'm getting at is...am I unreasonable or too demanding to expect him or anyone else to tiptoe around my problems with this? Am I being selfish and demanding and difficult by asking for this to be observed and respected? I don't see how anyone could recover from anything like this when it's being force-fed to them constantly, and it seems as well that if it were actually unintentional, it would be followed by immediate remorse, comfort, and apology, right?

Thanks for answers so far...I appreciate everyone's kindness!