And I need to let it out right now.

What has the past ever done for you? You lived through it and you got out of there. You survived everything up until this point that you are living now. Why is it being relived every waking moment and every night in your dreams? Why does it hurt so much to try to let go? Why must these things be your safety blanket to protect your self-worth when you ran out of it years ago? It's not something you can run to the grocery store and fix by comparing the apples and oranges. It's not something fixed by eating all the cereal. You won't find it in the bottom of a bottle and you won't ever find it staring down the barrel of a gun. It is something you form inside you, you make, your own creation. It has to mean something to you because it is you. And yes, you are worth it. The past serves as a lesson, not a reminder. It is not something that decides your ultimate fate but directs you to it. Take off the blanket, because it's getting too warm inside, and it's time to face the cold a little bit.

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It's lonely in here and I just want someone else to be there. But every since I moved to Alaska, people back in the south haven't kept as much contact with me. Maybe I'm high maintenance, maybe they never really cared. But I think the point of a friendship is to stay engaged in that person's life, regardless of distance. Now I'm 4k miles northwest and everyone is back south, and it's only now I'm realizing--even though I'm living a great life up here with my fiance--just how lonely I am. And it hurts and I don't know what to do. Not going to hurt myself--those are just examples of past things.