Thanks everyone. Right now tears fill my eyes. I don't know why, though.

I have always been aware of my isolation from people even when I am around them and talk with them. What triggered me to write this post, though, that I am trying to get out and build my life, but life keeps knocking me down. Every try reminds me how inept I am in life. I am very disappointed at myself. No one can stand me talking even my little sister whom I discovered that she is rude and impolite with me, no one interacts with me on Facebook (or in the real life) although I try to interact with others and take the initiative, no one calls me, no one .... and the list goes on and on. I pretend to be OK, but I am not. I am suffocating from the inside. The other option is to give up trying, in which case I will be isolated completely, because no one would knocks my door asking why I am home. But I am trying to escape my isolation because it is so painful to me.

Maybe I am still alive and have kept going during the dark moments, but I am not a hero for sure, even my own hero, because I despise myself. Only my surviving instinct has kept me going. I don't feel myself as a better person after experiencing all these dark moments. I am the same person who is failing in everything in life, where I see others succeed without any effort.

I cannot focus and make something of my pain or internalize it. Sometimes, I try to write it to myself, but I cannot continue. My mind goes blank, and the light becomes brighter, as it is now. I remember the feeling, but cannot always remember the cause or maybe I avoid it.

I try to spend sometimes reading books to find some answers to my struggle, and a way out, but to no avail, so far.

I hope you didn't feel I am "arguing" with any of you. Thanks again for your replies.