Thank you all for answering.

i have tried talking about this with both Ts but T1 probably thinks im just venting and im not serious in spite of having proven him the opposite more than once, and T2 just said "its your life, your choice". i have seen others Ts too but they're all about meds. meds can help, but ultimately they change nothing. i have thought about finding someone else, but i doubt anyone can say anything to change my mind. i think nobody cares, or if they care, its a selfish way to care. but im ok with that, really, i dont expect anyone to "save me" anymore. but thanks for showing concern, Jennifer 1967.

Maven, in spite of complaining about my mom, she is one of the persons i love the most. i hope she knows that, even if i dont show it often...

Thank you for reading and answering. i think i just needed to tell someone how hard life is. how demanding and unrewarding it is for me... i keep thinking maybe if i hold on a little longer it will get better, i'll get the life i want, but im not sure i want a life. it seems just a huge duty... so empty and pointless.