Sister,Thanks for replying...I think your right I am beginning to grief...I laid in bed last night and felt I was missing something. felt angry at T again for "going away"...I knew then that this must be more than just about T because T comes back...yet again my feelings were being hooked by someone...I then remembered that I did have feelings of wanting to be mothered as a child...I remember aged 10 having had warts cut of my thumb and cryingn all night because I couldnt suck my thumb but managed eventually to find a way to rub my nose instead..I told this to T once and she said you were crying not just for your thumb, but for your mother, I said which one? she said both mothers...birth and adoptive...I didnt remember needing my adoptive mother...I was a tough kid...but last night I remembered I was a humanbeing underneath and I did and still do have those needs...I then started calling T a %#@&#! ***** for not being there when I was kid...it was so painful to know that to know what T does for me now I missed as a child...but then I knew I can't really be angry at T for not being there when I was a child it must be at my mothers..finally I yawned and fell to sleep...I felt better today about the xmas T break...I felt I believed that T will come back...I feel at a strange place in my healing...its like I realise now what it is to get your needs met...but that almost makes knowing what you never got even more painful...or perhaps its that Im finally getting in touch with how painful it once was...I dunno.