Hi fijiisland

I think I do understand a lot of where you're coming from
But please correct anything I have wrong
Just something anything, whatever it is is better than "nothing" right now...........and even imagining there can be something real out there can seem so impossible/so out of your reach right now........and this fills a "gap" in you......but even the thought of touching on something real..........can be so scary or.........could you deserve it..........could you live up to it.........would you/when will you get hurt........would you/when will you get rejected.............and even the possibilities/thoughts of any of that happening can hurt more than right now...........that's even if you really believe you could get to such a place????
But wanting more.........wanting to be in a better place is an excellent start!!!
Honestly, I don't think that this is "just" finding "a switch" to click in your head, or maybe not finding "the right person" but perhaps about putting some of the onus back on the people who have treated you unfairly...........because they have (!!)..........and taking back some of that self-worth...........or developing that self-worth......this is about their failings not yours.......because you did/do deserve better.........and if you're struggling with that idea........even as a human being with feelings you did/do deserve better...........which I think you're realising deep down there
And you know, maybe gradually, I know it's hard (!!), you can work towards recognising that even being on your own (!!) is better than being with someone who's going to treat you as "second"........being "second" would even be perpetuating the way you're feeling about yourself right now, do you think??
Because, believe it or not.........you're, and what you're giving, is worth more than "second", you shouldn't have to be "second"..........and..........your feelings should matter
So........this is about you.........and putting you first......and setting real boundaries and real expectations.......and realising your worth........which I totally "get" must be seriously hard right now considering your experience

And now..........what may sound like "textbook stuff", but it does really matter (!!).........honestly, you will have positive traits...........things that you can (really) value about yourself, if you dig deep..........and they matter............they're all part of your worth.......maybe if you can see them more for yourself......and they should matter to others (that matter) too.........others who want the best for you...........and in relationships who, as you find them, will put you "first"............
And you deserve to have boundaries.........to have expectations..........to have that "first" in a relationship real!!

So...........one step at a time, hey??
Maybe try to fill a bit of that "gap" with knowing that you do matter, that you don't need something from anyone to tell you that or "fill a gap"!!
And if we're talking about relationships, friendships, whatever..........you're shy, that's OK Gradually confidence can be built with self-confidence..........you have time........and an excellent place to start...........with wanting more for yourself!!!



Alison