(Triggering) hi all. I don't know if this may be triggering for people but it may be, so I played it safe in case.
I have bipolar 1 and have been wrestling with a nasty depressive episode for many months. ECT brought it under control a few months ago and now we are doing maintenance treatments. However things have turned ugly lately. In a nutshell: My desire to fight on is so low. My suicidal thoughts have gone from passive "things" spontaneously entering my mind to *****, I might just have to do it. I have just wanted to quit. I just want the struggles and pain to be over and I am having a hard time rationalizing away these thoughts.
There are not a lot of options for me medicinally. I have a terrible tolerance for most meds, and I've been on so, so many. Now I have lithium, clonazepam, seraquel, buspirone; and hydroxyzine for sleep. And there isn't much room for change. So I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here- I guess o needed to get it out, get out these awful feelings. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and we will discuss perhaps increasing the ECT treatment for a little while, I don't know.
There is a vein of futility, a different sort of hopelessness that seeems to be underlying everything. It is giving my depression a dimension that I don't recognize and that scares me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt the people close to me by dying, but how long can a person take it? (Triggering)