I feel ya harmony. I recently lost insurance and ran out of meds and my mood swings and depression have come back. That thing you said about a vein of futility, a different sort of hopelessness that seeems to be underlying everything. I feel that too. The fight is very hard and it sounds like you have been very strong for a very long time. Does the idea of increasing treatment give you any sense of hope?

The idea of hurting those around you is difficult, I'm not sure what else to say except that i hope your suffering ends with treatment.