I completely understand. It's so difficult to go on when you keep getting knocked down. My only salvation is to realize that all episodes end and eventually I will have some semblance of normalcy again. You will too. Increasing the frequency of ECT might help. ECT has saved me from black depression three times now. I understand wanting to throw in the towel. But as someone who has lost someone close to them (my father at gen and my husband two years ago) I can say it would be truly devastating to your family. If that's the only reason you have to go on right now, take it.

Things WILL get better.