My T want's me to blog but I find here to be more helpful.

Both my husband and I am dreading this next semester for different reasons. He’s dreading teaching anything. He doesn’t believe he’s helping anyone. It’s tiring. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. However we wouldn’t afford for my son to go if he or I didn’t teach. I can’t teach, I can’t even hold a 5 min. Conversation. Now my son’s 15 and he just wants to go to hang out with friends. He doesn’t care what classes he takes as long as the kids are over 12. He has a good group of friends but teaching at 3 different places just to hang out with friends and then shuttling him off to college for his “real” classes is a lot. He can get his permit but IDK he’s 15.

I’m dread it because I’ve modified my life to avoid paranoia and I’m not able to do that during the school year. I don’t go to big store, try to stay inside, I don’t want to be around crowds, camra’s or anything like that. My husband doesn’t trust me home alone. I tend to get paranoid and take meds to sleep through the day because I’m so worried about them or someone breaking in. So unless I want to start an argument I have to go with him. I don’t have the energy to make daily battles.Then there’s all those people, kid’s asking questions, people talking to/about me or my family and we all know I can’t hold a conversation. I keep trying to tell myself it won’t be that bad but, it will. I’m not better just adapted to my paranoia. I was acutely aware of the camera in our apartment complex’s office and learned they have a camera on the pool, guess I’m never going swimming again.

I’m no longer second guessing myself. My husband hid all the sharp objects on me. I don’t want to confront him on it because what if it’s by accident or something and then I have to explain myself. What if he put them up because HE is having issues. He just restarted his meds so he’s not in a good place.I don’t know if he knows how “well” I’m doing. I’m on my laptop and headphones in. I can’t hear them at all. I don’t want my mind to go wild so I’m drowning it out. I just want to stay home where it’s safe, unless someone breaks in thinking no one’s home, then they’d find me hiding in the closet, but at least my dog’s here. Why can’t this be easier. I know I have to tell T all this but soon we’ll have next to no availability for therapy. Of course this all comes when I want to stop my meds. I’m to afraid the won’t let me have desolvables if I don’t comply. I’m thinking of going back to my old clinic for better availability but I sent my sister there and I want to keep our privacy.

IDK, I can act functional for short bursts and think this is all stuff I have to live with. No one can fix it for me. It's all just to much.