Thanks so much all for the hugs and responses.

Baybrony,
WHat you say makes a lot of sense.
I well know the longing feeling and the excruciating despair of which you talk.
I am so sorry about your childhood situation, you didn't deserve that. I"m so glad that most things are behind you now. That takes a lot of work. I like that you are sharing your experience so all can see that it can and sometimes does get better.

I ended up texting T, and asking him, Are you ok? Am I ok? Are we ok? Which is somewhat common for me. He responded:
You and I BOTH are okay. This is our language.

I can't begin to tell you all how unbelievably caring and kind and consistent my T is. His texts make me cry because they are so empathic. Just when I start to feel how undeserving/unworthy I am, he goes and counters these beliefs. He has been here for me consistently no matter what. I am SOOOOOOOO thankful for him.