i got a christmas card from this woman i used to know. when i was about 16 or 17 i stayed in her foster house and she was pretty nice to me. i ran off from there though. i didnt see her again until about maybe five years ago and she recognized me and started to talk again a little bit. she told me that when i did run off from her place it was a few days until she noticed. i don't really like talking to her its really weird and brings back a lot stuff i don't like to think about. i wish she didnt send me a card. we didn't send her one and know i feel like a jerk and like i'm supposed to start talking to her again and i can't stop thinking about it.

and other stuff to. i really really really like christmas now that i'm marryed and we got a son and he's two this year so he's gonna have more fun. last year he didn't really get what was going on but this year he'll love it. but i used to hate christmas cause i was by myself and i hated seeing everyone else with there familys and having fun so everytime now i get pretty emotional. lots of feelings come up. and this year we rented a cabin to have christmas with some friends cause my wife's father don't like me so much and he's been in the hospital. we're leaving to go up there today and i'm worryed about having panic attacks being up there and being away from home and i'm afraid of getting all emotional about christmas and maybe crying in front of them.

i'm not complaining. i'm know i'm real lucky to be able to be with them and do all this stuff. i just wish there was some way to just have all the good parts of it and not the bad stuff coming back anymore.