Holy crap...I want to hug you both. I can't identify with having an unloving mother, mine is my rock, best friend and shining example of unconditional love. I do identify with the abuse, though. I'm also in my 30s, I was attacked and had my neck wrenched by an ex, a few years and more bad boyfriends, I met Aaron. I had asked my father, again, to live with him. Again, he said no. I lived with Aaron, loved him with everything I had. He tried to kill my soul. By the end of almost 2 years with this "man" I was being regularly woke up to him raping me. It became regular, I did not fight. I found a place inside me and made my body "not feel". We are not what our abusers say we are. We are loved by Someone. Big hugs[emoji171][emoji171][emoji171][emoji171] to you both.