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Motherhood has been one hell of a journey for me. My daughter wasn't planned and was a compete shock. A part of me was devastated. In that point in my I was finally starting out in my career of choice, after many years of working on myself so I was mentally and physically ready for it. I wasn't planning on having children, I wanted to build a career for myself and I figured after the years it would take me to get to where I wanted to be and was able to have children, I would be too old and it would be too late and I was completely ok with that. My career was going to be my baby.
Then to my disbelief I found out I was pregnant. I was with my partner for 11 months. It wasn't a serious relationship what so ever. Needless to say that didn't work out and I was single and pregnant about to become a single parent. I made the choice to keep my daughter believing that I would be a single parent from the start.
My pregnancy wasn't always pleasant, I struggled a lot during those months. Although I had amazing friends and family, I was still alone. I was doing the biggest and scariest thing in my life, all alone.
Usually pregnancies are suppose to be a happy and joyous time. Mine was not, I spent more time crying than I did smiling.
Since having my daughter, I have continued to struggle. At the very beginning it was pretty bad. There were a few weeks there that I've lost. I was so out of it, I was not myself at all. I can't even find the words to explain how I felt, I've never experienced anything like that before.
I had an extremely hard time adjusting to being a mother. I never spent very much time with babies and didn't really have a clue as to what I was doing. I always joked during pregnancy that they would hand me this baby and I would have no idea what to do. Everyone kept insisting and reassuring me that my motherly instincts would kick in and I would know what to do. To a point they were right but not completely, I was so lost and such a mess. I depended on my family and friends so much at that time, I don't think I ever made a sole decision regarding my child, I always got approval from someone else first.
I was always scared that I would have postpartum depression after having a baby because I've dealt with depression my whole life. At the beginning I was in contact with my Dr. and nurses a lot they were aware of what was going on, for the most part. They were very concerned with me as well, I had a nurse call me once a week to check up on me. I would tell them certain things but I would never tell them everything. They told me that they thought I was having postpartum depression but it was too soon to tell at that point and time would tell. From there I stopped telling them as much and as time went on I just dealt with things on my own. I was in complete denial, I didn't want to admit that I was going through mental health **** again. I spent so many years trying to get better and I was at a point in my life where I was able to function and I was happy and for me to just end up back there again was not an option.
I've gained skills in the past and with those I was able to successfully manage a happy and healthy life, with on-going work of course. I thought that I could just use those skills again along with everything else I have learned and I'd be ok. My daughter is 3 years old and I am still not ok.
It's been an uphill battle for from the start. Not only was I accepting and adjusting to motherhood I was dealing with crap with her dad. We were on and off again for a while and things were rough, there was cheating, lies, all kinds of things that played a part in destroying me.
I can say now that we are still together and going strong at this point. That is an uphill battler as well but we both love each other and are doing everything we can to make this work.
I struggle with being a mom, I don't feel like I am a good mom. I feel like my daughter deserves better. I don't feel like I am good enough for her. Everyday I put in effort to be a better mom. Everyday I put in effort to put a smile on her face. I do try, honest, I just don't think it's enough.
I love this little girl so much. I never knew what real love was until she came around. I think part of the problem is that my love for her is so strong that I don't know what to do with it, it scares the **** out of me.
Since having my daughter I've always said I just feel like a different person. My anxiety is on a whole new level now. I've never felt anxiety this intense before. I'm anxious about absolutely everything. I'm so terrified that somethings going to happen to her, or to me, or to the both of us. The thought of losing her or the thought of me leaving her behind completely rules my life and scares the crap out of me.
I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to this and I feel like an awful human being, and mother for the **** that goes on in my head. I feel awful that this is so hard for me. This shouldn't be such a struggle. Motherhood is a blessing and I feel awful that I don't feel blessed all the time.
This turned out to be way longer than I thought.
I never talk about this stuff really, to anybody. It's only been in the last little bit that I've been able to acknowledge it myself and accept that this has been my journey.
I guess I just needed to get it out.
Thanks to whoever took the time to read this.
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