leejosepho - that was a powerful message. I say to myself often: "Am I going to just keep sacrificing myself and my life on an altar to this guy?" Then I think, "Yeah, like you've got something better to do." (If I stop caring for him, I might just go to bed for the rest of my life. This little "job" I've given myself gets me up and "doing" and someone benefits from it.)

It's the not feeling loved that is hard. It's the contempt and disdain in his voice that is hard to hear. He probably does love me . . . after a fashion . . . within the scope of his limited capacities that always were pretty limited. But he finds me so dislikable. Well . . . he can join the crowd. So - yes - that's another thing I'm being triggered back to.

Sometimes I really don't even want to keep living. And that's not melodrama.