((((Girl*in*Camo))))

Breathe. There is something out there in motherhood-land referred to as being 'the good enough' mother. Just breathe.

The fact that you even care to let it all out is certainly a sign that you are good enough.
It's a juggling act. The weight of the world does feel like it rests on your shoulders.

I remember a point in motherhood when I took a leap and a financial decision to stay home-daycare for two was impossible on paper at that point in time and soon after, oh look there's three. Well, I remember thinking as I sat between bottles and diapers and mopping and laundry---how Boring. Yes, I thought, how boring. Love them, but bored isn't what comes to mind in having that 'maternal instinct' kick in? I'm delving headfirst into their teen and soon to be teen years, with their moods combined with my occassional melancholy and frustration or woe for not having a support network around me.
Maybe there's something to be said for parenting as a parent well versed in the land of depression and anxiety? Greater empathy and a general sense of self compassion that forms through a depression recovery. Do I worry that perhaps somedays I've not attended to their emotions? In ways that could lead to a sense or reality of growing into adults that had childhood emotional neglect? You bet-cha. But the reality is that I'm a good enough mom, doing the best that I can, and a good enough mom that takes her responsibility to them very seriously.

It's ok to be good enough. Perfection does not exist. And it's not true that every woman just knows what to do by virtue of birthing a child. It takes work and elbow grease. And a willingness to gain knowledge. I personally prefer books and articles to well meaning extended family. If they knew so much then they would get a feel for what could help me as an individual as opposed to what they think is their way, if that makes sense. Three overwhelms most, anyways, especially three so close in age.
Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself.