I don't think you're awful! You're not the first person I've ever heard such things from and you won't be the last. For me, I have learned that I took a lot of unnecessary risks as a child when playing because getting hurt was another way to get love and attention. The family dynamics were such that the focus was always someplace else unless I was hurt, sick or in trouble. Sometimes I would wish for horrible things to happen to me so I could experience love and concern.

As a middle age adult I developed a hard stoicism and barely felt pain. Fast forward many years and it's been a long road to learn how to accurately report how I feel whether mentally or physically. I'm still learning. I highly recommend therapy to sort through your challenges. Good luck!