OK, I got some sleep. I am feeling so freaking stupid over money I spent that I can't afford to spend. I know it's because I've been more depressed than usual and stuck here, but I have been wanting some items (it's really one item in particular that I shouldn't have gotten), and planned to get them this month, but I didn't realize how much I was spending. I had been doing better financially, but I'm just stupid.

Addressing the previous comments, Laurie, I'm sorry for your car troubles. It's so frustrating and costly.

Divine 1966, my OCD makes just leaving more complicated than that. I know I should "just do it" but I can't bring myself to do it. Also, it's not like it's all my boyfriend's fault. My OCD caused most of this mess, plus all the excess weight I gained (but I'm losing now).

Public transportation is "dirty" to me. Plus, my boyfriend has threatened me, sometimes joking, sometimes serious, that if I crossed him, he could make my life hell by making my property and me dirty. There are certain things and ways that he can do that where I can't make my things "clean" again. I mean, it's not just a matter of washing and disinfecting. It's like the contamination becomes part of the item. And it's not just dirty and clean in the way you understand things to be dirty and clean. I can't explain it. Dirty, contaminated and clean are just the words I use to describe it.

I can't live just anywhere. Low-income housing is dirty too me. When I visited my mom when she was alive (I miss her so much) in her apartment, I was very uncomfortable. I couldn't even go into the house she'd previously lived in, even though I lived there all through my teen and young adult years.

I know you're wondering how I can live in this mess, with all the cat pee and poop, and believe me, so do I. I would never have been able to move into a house like this if this is how it was when my boyfriend bought it. Incidentally, when he bought it, he didn't consult me. His first two choices were bought quickly and he panicked, and grabbed it. This was not a great choice for me.

I can't call a cat shelter. We already have too many cats. I'll try to make this short: I never intended to have cats. I love them, and want them, don't get me wrong, but I started feeding a mama cat and her kittens outside, and it grew over time, with other cats showing up and new ones being born. None were meant to come inside, but one cat got injured outside, so we took her to the vet, and she became an inside/outside cat. We've had a fairly recent situation with two kittens finding their way into our basement from outside, too little to get back out. My boyfriend caught one (very displeased) kitten, got it outside, and it ran back into the basement and hid. So, we've been feeding them and working with them to get them friendly, but the one he caught is still distrustful.

The shelters here have reputations for putting most cats down. I've been calling rescues, but so far, they're full, and their cats have to be "over-the-top" friendly. Most of my cats are feral, and the ones that are friendly only trust me, and my boyfriend a little bit. Five of our cats are fixed, but catching them is difficult. We've had animal control after us, and they caught a few (I feel sad because they were likely put to sleep), but gave up until the kittens that were there at the time got a little older and more trusting. My boyfriend was supposed to call them in March and take over feeding for me, but he didn't. I really don't want them put to sleep.

I actually planned to get a couple of dogs one day, but the cats came, and there's too many. One thing, please: Don't tell me I'd end up in the same situation with dogs, because I wouldn't. I have it planned and I wouldn't get them until I was healthier. I just don't need to hear this crap from others... I've heard it enough grin my sister, who has run over dreams I've had and I had thought she supported me.

My sister can't help, BTW, because she lives in Kentucky (I'm in NJ and can't travel there, not that I want to) and she's in poor health. She struggles with money, too, and is already helping some family.

Yes, the fleas came from the cats. We do treatments, but the fleas are everywhere. I constantly itch and have sores on my legs and feet from scratching.

My doctor and psychiatrist know the situation. I've told them about everything, including the cat poo. But my boyfriend tries (to a point) to deal with me, and I don't want to get him in more trouble than he's in. He just got another notice from the city (he had one before, several months ago) that I think he's checking on today. He doesn't keep up with the front and back lawns, and there's a lot of overgrowth, so that may be why.

Before his last vacation (he makes many trips and goes to several events a year, even though I've had to cancel many for him, and he's not canceled one for me), about 3 weeks ago, he promised several times that he was going to concentrate on getting my room cleaned up and get me clean and functional again as soon as he got back. He worked one day for no more than 15 minutes. A few days ago, I asked if he was going to get back to it, and he said he was waiting for my car to be ready. I don't know why. It's supposed to be ready today, but he leaves for another trip Monday to Sunday. I thought I hadn't gotten my hopes up (knowing past experience), but apparently I did, because I'm royally upset over him breaking this promise... again.

My boyfriend would be livid if I let anyone in to see what this house is like. I don't want to risk losing my property. And he says they'll take all my stuff (which is mostly in plastic containers, not thrown about), plus the threats he's made to me to make them dirty. Right now, I don't have keys to my storage units (one has my mom's stuff, which I've needed my boyfriend to help me go through for the three and a half years she's been gone, because of my OCD) and my cat peed on my copy of the key to the storage unit with my stuff), and I don't want to lose my stuff. Yes, I realize I'm very attached to my stuff, but people have been taking away my stuff since I was a kid, and I won't stand for anything being taken that I want to keep anymore. I'm an adult.

My meds are Paxil (the dose was just increased... I got back on it because it worked well, despite some side effects), Prozac and Xanax. I was on Celexa previously, but I don't recall it doing much for me. Anafranil (which I just got off of) worked the best by far when I was first put on it, but a different doctor took me off it, and when I had to go back on it, it didn't work nearly as well anymore.