For me, it finally came together after almost 20 years of therapy. The first 13 years were useless talk therapy that even at the end when my H was in therapy with me did my T get what I was dealing with or how it was affecting me. My pdoc did a little more as there were several hospital stays where he would not release me to go back home with my H.

It wasn't until I left him & was financially able to move FAR AWAY that I finally found therapists who knew how to really work with me. I learned all the skills from DBT & learned words to express what I was really feeling rather than"ugh, just ugh". It wasn't until after the learned skills that I started researching the behaviors I had put up with for 33 years living with my H & some of his stupid behaviors after I left that was like a lightbulb coming on that I realized applied to my dad too.

It was at that point in therapy that we started discussing what my experiences had been & integrating the past into my present. My nightmares started to make perfect sense. Also the reason for Trauma that hit made sense due to finally understanding my mom's own behavior issues & I think what really brought it home was my T's comment that my mom never emotionally connected or communicated on an intimate level with me my whole life why would she be able to at the point when she was dying (she had cancer that she ignored for years until it was stage 4). Her lack of communicating was what caused the serious trauma with the home care person who manipulated her way into that position & put me into the place where I had to protect my mom & myself. The whole picture from beginning to end all fits together like a jig saw puzzle that I had never seen before then. Most of my life is a black hole of basically uneventful things but a few stand out that help make sense out of the whole thing. Even now new pieces come up every now & then, mostly when reading others experiences here & getting an "ahha" moment in memory.

I honestly think that anything that took a life time to develop is going to take the rest of the life time to handle the pieces as they come up. That is why it is important to develop the skills to handle the thoughts & emotions up front.....I definitely know that what I went through is nothing as serious or complicated as most others so I realize my process is a lot simpler overall but the foundational ground work would be very similar I would think.