Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I think this all makes total sense. One thing to consider is that an experienced, thoughtful, well-trained therapist should have given a lot of thought to what works for them and what they can sustainably do for their clients before they offer it. So for example, my T does not do texting with clients (or at least not with me) and uses email only for things like brief questions and scheduling. If I want to contact her for support, the way it works is that I leave a message on her voicemail and she calls me back (I can also leave a message about something and say she doesn't have to call back). My former T welcomed email updates (even long ones) and would always respond with a brief reply, but we only talked on the phone in more crisis-like situations. I don't think your T would offer an exchange of a few texts if he didn't mean it, and it's clear from the way you described it that he's already telling you what he's comfortable with (a few texts to check in but not a long conversation). That seems like a good sign.
It might be good for you to have the chance to build up trust that he can take care of himself regarding how he manages outside contact. That kind of thing has made me a bit more comfortable asking for things from other people in my life because now I assume people who have good boundaries can say yes or no and that they might actually want to help me with something. I am less likely to automatically assume I'm always being a burden.
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The hugest thing for me has been learning at least to my T, my needs aren't burdensome. I can express them, she takes care of herself and decides what she can and can't do.
For me it's actually been fodder for a LOT of work that for example my T can love me without responding to ALL my needs ( that sounds bad written out, but...i was so abused and neglected most of the care I knew was fictional, characters in books and movies, so my idea of how people who love you act was idealized -- so if someone was less than perfect my defense mechanisms say 'ok, they don't love me, not safe)
My T can reject me in small ways ( I can't respond to your emails) while still loving me.
Conflict is normal in relationships but it's also normal to compromise, not get violent. I don't have to do what my T says she wants out of fear. I can say what I want too, and we work together
She can still love me without being attuned all the time...tons of stuff.
My outside contact is excessive compared to those who gave already posted. I text nearly every day at least once. My T tries to respond once a day but can't always. She does not do therapy by text so she is less likely to respond to long stuff. More likely to respond to direct pleas for support or to reaffirm our relationship.
I email several times a week, usually about what I am working on . My T doesn't do therapy on email. She used to give longer replies but I frequently found them triggering, so now i get a short or no reply and instead we go over stuff in session to try to avoid misunderstanding. That change was hard but I got used to it and ultimately it has spared me a lot of grief.
If i am really distressed I call which i do a few times a month. Sometimes I will say "just text me back x you don't need to call back " otherwise she will call back usually within 24 hrs but sometimes she can't or misses the message . One strict boundary is if I ever truly believe u am in danger do not rely on her, go to the ER and leave her a message or turns her phone off for family stuff. She has 5 kids and just can't promise to be there asap in an emergency. That was hard to discuss too but she said if she promised to be there she'd be lying. Ultimately I understood. We haven't had to worry about that yet thpugh she brought it up once when i called her in a really bad place while she was away.
Through all this my T has managed her own needs and boundaries and never gotten angry at me. Which i find very reassuring