The problem is it isn't just in the past. It's in my present too. I've struggled so much with being independent. And since I'm supposed to have a high IQ and gifted and blah blah blah, it's even more shameful. In my defense, my parents didn't (and still don't for some reason) want me to be independent. I had to go to grad school just to get away from them and actually have a chance to fully develop emotionally etc. I've been in school most of my life because I didn't know what else to do. I made the mistake of changing my major in undergrad. I could have been a fully certified teacher and have been working for several years (being fully independent), but no, I dropped the education part of my major. My parents help convince me that I was "too good" to teach at that level. So I'm supposed to be a college professor. I have several good reasons I don't want to do that (at least not at this point in my life). I really want to be a secondary teacher. But I can't yet...so I've applied to staff positions in local schools. But had I not been stupid back then, not lacked confidence or a backbone, I'd be a teacher by now.

I also can't develop friendships or even acquaintances really. All I really want are a few people I could call up or text and say "hey, let's hang out". Or people I could meet at a pub once a week and just talk. Super casual acquaintances. I don't have that. Professionals have mentioned avoidant personality disorder in the past...maybe there was something to that.

I've just been rejected in really traumatic ways and the part that connects to people shut off a while ago. But having little to no connection screws me in life because we all know, it's not about how good you are, it's who you know.

And it does matter what people think of me, unfortunately. That's how you get hired and get to keep your job. I'm a musician too and you only get gigs because someone likes you (occasionally you're just in the right place at the right time) NOT because you're good at what you do. I am the best at some things I do and more than adequate at other things. I'm only asked to play when the people in charge like me. They'd rather their group sound worse than to have me there. I just can't connect or maybe they plain dislike me? But it's an issue.