Thank you. I told my boyfriend that I want to talk again, but I know he gets mad at me. Right, now, he has things on his mind, but the thing is, there's always something. There's always a reason to wait. Now it's this almost week-long trip. I know this mess is much of my fault, but if we could just get back to clean, I'd function a lot better. I'm sorry, I really am, and I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to just clean. I'm in a box. I can't explain how I see this mess, and why I can't do things the way most people think I should be able to, but I wish people would just take my word and try to help me find another solution.

I'm afraid if I leave, I won't be able to live financially as well as I can now, and I'm not living well financially. But I can shop now and then, and just get my mind off things and feel a little bit better. We're supposed to get better Internet and TV (we have no access to TV now, but I think he's still paying the bill, maybe because the person would have to come inside to disconnect the TV, I'm not sure) when we get cleaned up. I know it's not going to happen.

I'm sorry. I hope the psychologist can help me. For the record, even though I'm scared for anyone to see and to get in trouble with my boyfriend, I did describe my home to my psychiatrist as "unlivable." He knows of the trash, cat pee and poo.