I don't have any idea what's going on right now. My thoughts are depressed and anxious but I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't get my mind to stop. Could it be just severe anxiety? Or could it be the beginnings of a mixed episode? It's mild right now, as much as mixed episodes can be mild. Earlier today I felt like crawling out of my skin but I calmed down when I got home. I watched some episodes of parks and recreation which helped. I took my son out to dinner where I managed to eat about half my dinner, after only having two protein shakes for the whole day.

I left a rather desperate message for my pnurse on my lunch break before realizing she was probably on vacation this week. I just wanted some klonopin to help me sleep and calm down but she won't get my messages until Monday. She gave me her cell phone number for emergencies but I don't feel comfortable using it. I don't think this constitutes an emergency, not since I'm seeing her on Thursday.

In doing research on vraylar it turns out it's one of those that has to build up in the system so it might not take full effect for weeks. That's upsetting. I have four weeks until my new job starts. I need to be stable by then. And right now this is mild but what if it gets worse? I'm not suicidal yet, I'm not thinking of self harm yet, but I'm miserable.

I'm torn as to whether to keep taking the latuda. I haven't taken it yet today because of the not eating thing. I could take it now. I don't know if it will help or make things worse. But I don't have any meds to fall back on, not even klonopin. Would unmedicated be worse? I haven't been unmedicated since 2013 when I went off meds for eight months. And ended up in a horrible psychotic episode.

I don't know. I wish my nurse would have called me back.

I dont want to be awake anymore. I have to get it together enough to post a discussion question for my class. I'm hoping if I take a double dose of melatonin I'll be able to sleep. I've got nothing else. Not even Benadryl.

I'm sorry for complaining. I just feel terrible and I'm confused and scared.