Hello,

I'm starting to have flash-backs again of what happened to me while I was younger. It involves various sexual abuse instances as well as all the violence I saw. I've been sexually abused 4 different times, by different people and it's catching up with me. The violence is about seeing my brothers fist-fighting with knives, my dad's house getting shot up, my brothers ganging up on my dad and beating him .. it's a lot that went on. I also keep seeing my uncles body, he drowned when I was around 5-6 and I saw his body when they pulled him out. I was born into a family of drug addicts who didn't even think I would live when I was born, they all said it was a miracle I made it. I can barely remember my childhood except for the bad parts and a select few good memories. I was also lied to about who my dad was all the way up till I was 14 years old, my aunt/biological grandma was the one who told me everything cause she was dying of cancer at the time and wanted me to know she was actually my grandma, not my aunt. So I've had a pretty rough childhood. But I never ask for sympathy because for a while I was okay but now in my adulthood everything is coming back full force. The flash-backs are getting out of hand and taking over my life.

I want to be able to talk about these things with a therapist but I'm scared .. no terrified .. that they will HAVE to report the sexual abuse. One of them was reported because I told a previous therapist what happened and she said she was mandated to report things of that nature. I got in soo much trouble with my family because they were mad that I opened my mouth about the "past" as they put it. I wasn't shunned and they all pushed me away, except for my mother. She was the only one who stood by me. I've since made up with my family and we are good now. So I'm scared that .. if anything is reported then all of them will hate me again. They were soo angry last time. Mainly because it was a family member that got reported. They thought I was lying and just trying to get that person locked up, but they never stopped to think really. I would never say anything like that, that isn't true. I never wanted to get anybody in trouble. I've been told I might have Stockholm Syndrome, because I protect a certain person rather than the others. It's because I might loose everybody including my mother though. I can't stand the thought of loosing her too. She's the only person I have.