Hello Mara: Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Based on what you wrote, I would say you have some things going on that need attention. My suggestion would be that you find a mental health therapist with whom you can begin to explore what is going on with you. Sometimes it can take a few tries to find the right therapist for you. Not every therapist works well with every client. But if you can find someone you feel comfortable with, working with them may be most helpful.

I'm an older person myself. And I'll tell you that I spent many many years living just as you are. I've written elsewhere, here on PC, that if denial had been blankets I'd have been crushed by the weight! And I'll tell you it's no way to live. Please reach out in real life for the help you need. And in the meantime, keep participating here on PC. It can help too!