Quote:
Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian
What I like about my life: My inner passion for music, my mathematical skills.
What I don't like about my life: My inability to let the passion of music out, finding no good way to live life regarding balance of friends, ambitions of success, seriously deep and horrific concerns about AD's ruining my life. I seriously wish I hadn't ever taken them. I blame my therapist.
Seriously, I think if I took AD's, I am at greater disadvantages than advantages. It's an extreme existential issue and I have found ABSOLUTELY no answers other than resetting life (suicide).
I feel every barrier in my life is because of those past AD's - can't create relationships and feel unworthy. Can't create relationships with women. Hate my therapist. Heck, can't even create other relationships.
As for the schedule - I work with schedules. I make time for music and whenever I sit in front of the computer, I have creativity constipation which is never released.
When I see I cannot create music I feel horrible and don't feel like doing anything else. I may go consume some media for pleasure, maybe it will give me the drive to produce more, as I've been working more than I was consuming, mostly regarding entertainment.
But still, the AD issue is still bothering me with great anxiety.
I worry about my long-term physical and mental health because of them. I get feelings I ****ed myself up as a human being by taking them, and that I lost my human potential.
Hugs will not help. I want answers to actually keep me going! I want OBJECTIVE psychiatric information regarding AD's, not some stupid mental health "professional" conversations such as "It is unlikely", or "Are you sure it's the AD's and not something else?"
I WANT THE OBJECTIVE ANSWERS, NOT THE SUBJECTIVE
I want ****ing hope for a change. I want to HEAL. I want to GROW. I don't want to be an eternally-broken human being because of the stupid medications. And if that's the case, I may reset life, as I don't see a point in living when I'm not at full potential as a human being and human brain.
Note: I could be over reacting. My mother would occasionally tell me that I am being hard on myself regarding personal standards. Well, it's true. I aspire to thrive in music, career and relationships with people.
I've had obsessions with superficial power such as social status and pleasures. I've never been that kind of person. But it seems the only way to enjoy life is to have power. I mean seriously, it kinda makes sense. As you can see I hardly have the power to create music nor do anything else which is productive.
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I also sometimes have paranoia about psychiatric medications and wonder about whether it is wise to put so many children on them. But what's done is done and you are obsessing about it to the point of becoming suicidal. It is hard to know how much of your anxiety, depression, and lack of passion (motivation? creativity?) is the result of your medication or the result of your DNA makeup combined with the interactions you had growing up. Though I did not start my meds until 48--I have decided that my medications are helping me and that my therapist was right about the need to continue taking them. Can you look for a more helpful therapist? They cannot help you unless there is mutual respect. You have a right to take what you want but may have to taper slowly if you want to discontinue a medication. Also, whenever you taper--be very careful--sometimes suicidal feelings are the result of cutting back. While you write these things in this post, have your meds been constant or have you been adjusting doses? Sometimes if you change your medications it is good to keep track of how you feel. Your posts at PC can keep a record of this. IMO, even when we are on medications, we can improve our life in some way. I am sorry that you are so down about this. Hugs.
