I always miss desoxyn's posts.
Flush those drugs down the toilet. You don't need them. You are perfect just the way you are.
Maybe going back isn't such a bad thing for you if you can't control your impulses. The last thing you want is to of. My brother in law od'd 2weeks ago and his family is devastated. I know you don't want to do that to your family.
I'm so sorry you are struggling.