We started talking about work briefly. I said I was exhausted because of how much time I spent at work last week. Then I explained the population of students I work with, giving him a brief history lesson of how special education has evolved since he stopped teaching (30+ years ago). I said that work stress is there, but not important, not taking up a lot of my mental capacity.

Then I said I had a dream I wanted to share, and he looked annoyed. "As long as we're not using it as a distraction." I said no, it isn't. So I told him about the dream where Dr. Green texted me. And that I felt so stupid for feeling the way that I do, because none of it is actually him.

He said that he was honored that I was willing to be so open with him about the transference, because he hypothesizes that many clients have similar feelings, but they don't express them. I said that I knew it was important because the dynamic between T and I mimics the dynamics in a lot of my other relationships.

I told him I reflected on the barriers between me and the relationships and I said I feel like my primary block is fear. When I let people in, that's when I'm open to be hurt.

I told him about how despondent I was last weekend, and how awful I felt about the way I treated H. T was like, visibly moved by what H said. He said, "wow, Daisy, that sounds like a beautiful moment. How did you feel afterwards?"

I said guilty. H is begging me to let him in, and I just can't do it.

But then I kind of mused that none of this really matters. I don't think it'll ever get better. The wounds there I don't think can be healed. All I really want is a healthy parental relationship, and I can't have it. I'm trying to fill a void with the wrong things, the wrong relationships.

I talked about how H feels like he doesn't give me what I need. Mainly because I don't know what I need. I feel bad for H, because my emotions are difficult, volatile. T said that didn't sound right. He said that when I get in my dark states, it's because something happened to make me feel rejected or abandoned. He's right.

T said he had a question that would probably sound stupid and obvious. He asked me what I would need in those moments to feel comforted. He was right, the answer felt obvious. A hug or some other physical affection. To be told that I'm loved or important.

T was going to say something else but I cut him off. I continued that even though I want those things, I can't accept them. I physically shirk comfort. He agreed, said that he's seen it multiple times. I could only remember the one where he was trying to rub my arms. He said that the day he went out to my car that he touched my shoulder. He said that he was going to rub my shoulder, but when he touched me, I pulled away from him a good 6-8 inches. Enough that it was visible.

We discussed the paradox that is my longing, fear, and shame around being comforted. That perhaps I need to be able to comfort myself so that I can accept it from others.

He said that he was doing something in therapy that he doesn't like to do: arguing the other side. I was confused, and he said that typically he'd use the Evil Chair[emoji769] for this kind of stuff. I said f*** the chair. He said he knew I hated it, but that it seems to be effective for me. Perhaps next time. The session was over.

I let him walk me out today.