I'm not really worried that, if he went to a n. home, he'ld reject and push me out of his life. What keeps me unstable is that I really like being with him when we are getting along. So I bounce between feeling deeply content in my role to feeling upset and taken advantage of, depending on his behavior of the moment. And this is an old, old story of what has gone on between us since we met years ago.

I can relate to the situation of the lady caring for a 99 year old above. No one would have expected my s.o. to be around for as long as he has been. He's not 99, but he's up there. Back in his drinking days, anyone would have thought that he was curtailing his longevity. He has gone to death's door repeatedly, but, as someone knowing us has said, "He gets good care."

When he's being loving and nice to be with, I dread losing him. That's what keeps me clinging to him all these years that I have. Before I met him, I had had no trouble ending relationships that proved unsatisfactory. I'ld had more than a few of those. He has always felt to me like a soul mate, someone I was destined to be with. We are very close and always have been.

A lot of my problem, I believe, isn't the disappointing behavior he displays, but my own tendency to react so strongly to everything. This is a general problem I have in life. Someone is nice to me, and I'm on cloud nine. Someone says a cross word to me, and I don't want to live. It's immature and a ridiculous way to be. My state of mind seems always to depend on the nature and tenor of the last conversation I've had with anyone. This sounds like something that I've heard of people in AA working on - their serenity. I guess I kind of have the personality of an alcoholic, even without the very excessive drinking. I just react to everything, instead of maintaining some semblance of staying balanced. My mother, who was wise, summed it up by saying "Rose is always either upset, or getting over being upset. It's the story of her life. She needs to grow up." There's a lot of truth to that.

Also, my life revolves too much around this one relationship. I need to pursue and nurture other connections.