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The_DollMage · Aug 05, 2017, 10:12 PM

I was the outsider at a friend of my partner's birthday and I almost made a scene.

My partner, Shane, took me to his friend Dawna's birthday. I was really excited to have fun and get tipsy and play cards against humanity. I had been wanting to initiate myself into their inner friend circle for awhile and this was my big chance.

But I blew it.

There was one woman who I kept hearing about. Marissa. She was acclaimed as "one of the coolest chicks" they know and liked by almost everyone. (Except one guy who was particularly hateful for her for reasons which seemed outside of her control) Regardless I was prepared to try to make a good impression and be cool and fun. I know I can be. I know it's in me.

I had shown up late so I took a couple shots of Sailor Jerry to get on everyone else's level and I could feel it making my head start to swim when I headed outside with Shane to meet this woman who was so highly regarded. It starts out okay. I'm anxious but chilling and trying to sell an air of relaxed nonchalance.

But then Marissa brings up a concept from a popular movie, the Dobler-Dahmer theory. If you aren't acquainted it basically states:

"If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: Dobler, but if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: Dahmer."

She described this from what appeared to be a place of internalized misogyny however because she followed it by assuring that women are "just crazy."

None of you really know me but I am a feminist and I tend to get a little too heated when I hear things like this. (If a normal SJW annoys you then one with a passion intensifying mental disorder will terrify you) I am trying to work on keeping my cool, for the sake of Shane, and not doing too badly.

That is until Shane's friend Nick states,

"Marissa is the template all women should be molded after,"

I am the only other chick out here at the moment and the rum is already kicking in. I feel ostracized and tossed aside. I wish I had had a clever comeback to shut down both of their sexist ********. I wish I had pointed out that Dahmer wasn't even into women. I wish I could have tossed my hair and laughed and pointed out how their ideas are based on conformation bias and that Marissa pandering to men's need to make women seem irrational was, at best, just sad. I didn't though. I'm sure my face turned beat red and I got up to leave.

"**** me, I guess," was all I said and gave a sharp little laugh before heading inside where I immediately ran into Dawna and another female friend of hers. I guess my irritation was apparent because one asked if I was okay.

Once again the rum made me spill out venom.

"Just trying to get away from all the Marissa worship,"

I knew it was the wrong thing to say to the wrong people. I marked myself as the outsider. The hater. I busied myself with trying to find my phone to distract myself but it was too late. I could feel the rage of emotions beginning to build against the dam of my self control. I could feel it was going to spill. I couldn't be alone. I needed an alibi. I needed an ally.

I went to fetch Shane with some weak excuse about my needing him to look at something wrong with my car. He followed me outside and I began to try to explain to him what was wrong. I could see it in his eyes though. The exasperation. I could feel his growing irritation and my own tears beggining to well up. There was a man sitting outside at the house next to them and a garage open with a light on across the way. If I was going to blow it had to be somewhere private.

"Please, can we go in your car," I begged Shane. I knew the tinted windows would provide enough cover for me. He sighed and asked why. When I explained it was because I didn't want anyone to see me breaking down.

"No one can see you," He said, his irritation growing.

I tried not to let what i perceived to be a lack of compassion on his part throw me over the edge. I know he is just human and I knew I was being irrational.

I was being everything Marissa implied women were.

I had to find shelter. My pleading and growing unease finally convinced Shane to take me into his car. I knew he was annoyed that I had dragged him from his friends. I had done it so many other times. I feel like I am always such a stressor to him. I tried so hard to hold it together in his car as I ranted about what happened. How she had been praised as a woman for throwing other women under the bus. How I was proving her right. How I made myself into an enemy.

I lost it again... I hit myself. I cussed and hissed and clawed at myself. I screamed and cried that I wanted to die and hated myself. It's always surreal thinking back about my behaviour after I have calmed down. I know how pathetic I looked. How disgusted Shane must have been with me. Now it seems like it should have been so easy to just laugh off what happened and move on. But in the moment there was a growing storm in my head. Slamming against me and tearing down my composure. I felt myself filling up with fire and I needed to let it out and destroy myself and everything around me. Destroy the world that was so confusing and caused me so much stress to navigate. To punish myself for not just calming down and being rational. For being a threat to Shane's ability to enjoy his night.

He stayed there with me, though he threatened to leave several times when I started to get too much for him. He stayed and kept a calm, if troubled, tone with me. He helped me come up with an alibi, because I had already cried most of my makeup off and my face would be red and puffy when I went in. He could have left me there to destroy myself but he didn't. Even though it took him away from his friends he stayed. Even though he was annoyed with me he stayed.

And the storm started to break.
...

I did end up going home after I calmed down. I don't know if anyone believes that I was upset because of drama from my family or not. Or if I am still marked as "the chick who hated on our hallowed Marissa,"

I do know I didn't handle the situation like I should but also that I didn't lose it as much as I could have. I'm tired of this though.