He has improved even more than I thought was likely to happen, in terms of rebounding from his infections. It now seems that he was a lot sicker for a lot longer than I or his PCP realized. Some of his irritability was coming from that.

I think I do need to calm down when I feel hurt by him. Instead of me getting hostile, in response to his disrespectful outbursts, I might try and stay calm and say, "I think I deserve better treatment than that." One of us needs to remain "the adult in the room." Of late, that hasn't been me. We're like a pair of toddlers left without supervision.

As far as me being hard on myself, that's been said to me before IRL. I tend to think that, if my life feels too distressing, then there must be something wrong with my approach to life . . . something I can change. I used to believe that my self-esteem didn't depend on approval from others. But I said above that my mood does go up and down in response to the approval and disapproval I get from others. Maybe I've underestimated the effect on me of a steady diet of negative regard from someone close and important to me. I guess it's human to need and want validation.

I'm sleepy now.