i cant sleep this session keeps going through my head . i know a lot of these horrible feelings are coming from my past . all i can feel about it is how i felt with the mother and it is just playing itself out in my head over and over again .all the confusion of doing something wrong . honestly thinking i was doing something nice or right and to find out it was dreadfully wrong with dire consequences . you cant get away from it . apologies and sorry are not accepted. explanations are not accepted or believed.turned around and distorted into something more horrible. confused about what i did that was so horrible and inexcusable. terrified and stuck.if i spoke it was bad if i didnt an answer was demanded and then turned around unaccepted and punished severely. i was trapped in a spiral i had no way of getting out of .all i could do was to wait it out . accept once again some how i had screwed up and i just wasnt going to be able to make it right . the punishment would come to an end but the devastation would keep on . the
disappointment held on along with confusion about everything that just happened . although the punishment was over ,whatever that might have been.maybe a beating,being made fun of ,left in my room for days .the shame and complete disappointment i felt in myself and my utter failure just staid with me . this is how i felt in session on Thursday and i still do now .all this is staying with me .i cont talk to her about it because she just wont accept it .just like the mother . if i ever told her all this i could see her getting so angry . i was just this little girl being shamed into submission . you were so wrong, this is how it is done and this is how it will be done . i did something that i thought would make things right.i was wrong but it didnt hurt anything .i saw her reaction as coming out of the blue,a set up just like the mother . creating something horrible and punishable out of something i thought was right .