I thought that I was going to be OK ... thought that this break actually wasn't going so bad ... but i just have a horrible feeling about everything.

I'm scared to see my mom ... spend time with her. How horrible is that? How horrible of a daughter am I ... I should be on my knees thanking the lord that i have a healthy family, yet here I am, letting the depression take over, and turning everything against me in the form of anxiety, paranoia, and selfishness.

I sit here and i just want to dissolve into the floor. Evaporate and just fade away. I don't want to have to see more relatives, give more hugs, and talk about how much i'm loving my life right now. "Loving" being the key word.. there's only so much a girl can pretend.

I want to cry, or scream, or do something. But there is a full house here, and i'd only make matters worse.

I need my old T. I need my old "mom". And yet i can't even let myself think about them. When I think about them, or even about my life when i was with them, i get this horrible feeling of dread. Dread knowing that they will never be a part of my life again, and dread because I don't think I'll ever be able to truly be happy without them in my life.

I hate myself for not wanting to be here, not wanting to be with these people, and for not being happy. I'm such a selfish person for it all.. yet i can't help but feel the way i do.

I don't know what to do anymore ......