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Originally Posted by velcro003
I absolutely think you have the right to ask her! It may be MORE important because it has happened 3 times in 9 months. Seriously.
I used to see my T on Saturday's, and I quickly figured out that she runs about 10-15 minutes late. It freaked me out at first, as I had never experienced it before, but she was quite consistent in her late-ness, so I eventually adapted.
We ended up having to move sessions to a different day after work, so now she waits until I can get there. A few months ago, she mentioned something about her late-ness, and how a potential client had fired her because of it. I said "Wellll...." and told her how i was freaked out for quite some time, but never would have told her.
She was enlightened. She said her supervisor told her that her clients probably wouldn't say something if it bothered her, and that opened it up to me to tell her how I had felt.
That entirely too long story is to tell you that, if it bothers you (and it should!), you should say something. Even if it was the 10th session and she had cancelled once or twice, you have every right to tell her it upset you and why.
I think my T was a little surprised that I was freaked out over her lateness, and all the thoughts that followed it (what if she forgot me? maybe i have the wrong day?! i am not important!....etc), but she took it in stride and it hasn't been an issue since.
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I am glad your t dealt with this is a way that supported you. I would feel the same if my t was consistently late and I have had those thoughts too, am I not important? Does she not like me, I am not worth spending time with, etc... it hurts, it really hurts to be rejected over and over and not even get an excuse.
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
I'm sorry to have to say I agree with Velcro and whoever else said it's a medical problem. Especially if your T said "oh, my head". It sounds like a memory problem or some kind of dementia. I feel sad for you and your T, as she doesn't seem to want to be honest with you. Or maybe she doesn't want to accept that she has a problem and can't cope with it. Does she see other clients? I would think this has happened with be others also.
I disagree with you that it's too soon to ask her for a better explanation. For your sake and for hers. She seems like an excellent T except for this strange behavior. There are many T's who have their life put together and don't have these problems you have come up against with yours. I wish you could find one of them for yourself. Hugs.
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She is such a great t, that's why I really don't understand all of these strange behaviours. She is very experienced, over 25 years. I presume she sees other clients, she has mentioned a few other clients. I really don't know if it's alcohol, that would explain this behaviour more than medical- to me anyway. She did mention being sick before. She has a husband and a farm so I really don't understand. She was so embarrassed about it, that's the main reason I went back because I felt so bad for her that I didn't want her to feel so bad so I let it go. I really think she knows she has a problem but can't tell me or won't tell me.
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Originally Posted by Amyjay
I also disagree that it is too soon to talk about it with her. As a client it can be extremely triggering to be "forgotten" like that. I have compassion for her as there is obviously something serious going on to affect her work to such a degree but I also feel angry on your behalf. It isn't okay for that to happen to you repeatedly.
I am curious about how it is so hard for you to stick up for your own rights. (I mean I can't stick up for mine either but it easier to feel indignant for someone else right?) With old t and new t I can see that it seems easier for you to accept not-okay treatment from others than it is to protect yourself.
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Thank you
it is easier to accept not ok treatment, it is a huge part of my process to allow abuse, I am only learning that I do have a choice of whether to accept it or not. It is so hard because I have lived with abuse all of my life, I thought it was normal.
It is very triggering to be forgotten or abandoned, especially three times. I feel sad for t, I am a reasonable person and she knows she can talk to me if there was something wrong or just tell me the truth, be honest with me. I have made up my mind not to go back to her. She wanted to process what this meant in session but I couldn't, I couldn't fall apart again because I knew she would be upset. On the way home in the car I pulled over and cried my eyes out because I knew that would be the last time I seen her.
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Originally Posted by childofchaos831
You've been seeing her for 9 months, every other week. I did the math... she has flaked on 3 appts in that time, so basically 7% of the time.
So look at it as a normal 9 to 5 job. Most employers have a 90 day, or 3 month, probationary period. Take the 7%. If an employee flaked 7% of the time during their probationary period, they would miss almost one whole week.
What employer would just sit back and do nothing? Now think that you are paying her. So basically, in the scenario, you are the employer. Consider the time it takes to get there, the gas, the frustration, the emotional upset and turmoil. She owes you more than just "oh, my head," and if that is all she can give you, I think it may be time to consider moving on from the therapeutic relationship with her.
I know you may be concerned for her, and possibly worried about hurting her, but that shouldn't affect this. You pay her for a service, with the expectation that she will be available at the agreed upon time. In any other type of business relationship, I think most people would be able to say "this isn't working," and move on. The difficulty is that with therapy there is attachment, we open our hearts and souls to our Ts, which muddies the waters a bit when it comes to stuff like this.
P.S. sorry if I got too analytical. I'm tired and for some reason thats where my brain went when I saw numbers...
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You didn't get too analytical and actually it was very helpful to see this statistics.you are right, an employer would say something about her absenteeism. It's a huge problem. I am sure it happens with other clients too.
We do open our souls and it can be hard to just walk away. The bonds are hard to cut, I felt like I really connected to her, we did some really good work. I can't trust her because she is unreliable and I can't put myself through this again, it's like a knife in the heart, a betrayal of my trust.
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Originally Posted by AllHeart
But you do have the right to express your concerns about her impairment because it is affecting her job performance and having a negative affect on you. Again, for whatever reason -- substance abuse, mental or medical health issues, age related memory problems, etc. -- your t is impaired enough to the point of where it is causing you mental harm.
What's happening here, really, is not good for either one of you. Your t's lack of self-care, denial, avoidance, or whatever she got going on is hurting you both and will continue to get worse if left unaddressed, as you know. If you express your concerns to her, you are essentially helping yourself and helping your t.
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I can't do it to her because if she sees how hard it is for me she will fall apart.i told her I was ok and it was ok after the last time but really she knew I wasn't ok but I couldn't go there with her again. She knows that not turning up is a huge trigger for me and yet she continues to it. Nothing I say will change her behaviour. It hasn't in the past anyway. As a t myself I am expected to report her if I suspect she is drinking or using drugs or doing anything that could harm the profession. I am really torn over this, I would of course talk to her before I would report her but I am not going to report her because I know nothing only she is harming her clients which harms the profession.
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Originally Posted by feileacan
I agree with others that your T own you a detailed explanation of what happened. As was mentioned above, one of the cornerstones of operating as a T is to keep appointments and if she for some reason forgets then scrutinize herself very thoroughly to understand why it happened. It doesn't look that your T is really scrutinizing herself because otherwise such thing would not happen 3 times in 9 months or at least she would be able to give you an explanation that makes sense.
I've understood that you are yourself a T in training and especially because of that you shouldn't accept a therapy with someone who can't even maintain the elementary frame and thus is clearly not up to the task.
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I am a fully qualified t but continuing my training. This makes me somewhat responsible for her behaviour. She probably doesn't bring this to supervision because she would be too ashamed to admit it and her supervisor would question her ability to practise.
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Originally Posted by anais_anais
I hope you feel empowered to ask for an explanation, Mona.
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Thank you [emoji4] it will take time