Hello Stuckhurt: You know... I read your post when it first came up but didn't reply because I didn't think I had anything to offer. I still doubt I do. But I felt like your post needed a reply even if it's not exactly on target.

I can't answer any of your medication questions. I don't know if anyone here on PC can. And I'm not sure anyone should even if they think they know some of the answers. From what you wrote, it strikes me that you're treading a potentially dangerous line here in terms of how you're handling your medications. My personal opinion is that the only person who should be advising you with regard to any of this would be a physician.

I understand your reluctance to speak of all this with your pain management doctor. I would hope he wouldn't be so callous as to simply take your medications away & let you come off of them cold turkey. But I have to admit I don't have a large amount of faith in doctors in general. So something like that wouldn't surprise me either.

I don't know how old you are. I'm 69. I've been rattling around the mental health system where I live for about 19 years now. And what my personal experience has convinced me of is that, at least by the age of 50 (possibly sooner), one just becomes excess baggage on the mental health railroad, so to speak. Over the years I've come to realize that no one is going to do anything for me. I survive to the extent that I can figure out ways to help myself. I don't see a therapist. I do have a psychiatrist whom I see a couple of times a year, just to keep my foot in the door. He's been helpful to me in specific instances in the past.

You clearly understand that you're addicted to pain med's. And you're using them in ways that are having worrisome effects on both your physical & your psychological health. So my personal opinion (for what it's worth if anything) is, if you don't want to continue down the potentially lethal road you're currently on, you're going to have to find the inner strength to reach out in real life for help with your addiction... perhaps by figuring out a way to get yourself into some kind of addictions treatment program. I don't know what the appropriate way for you to do that would be. Perhaps talk with your primary care doctor. Perhaps contact some addictions treatment programs directly & see what options might be available to you. Or if you are not able to do this yourself, find someone to help you. But in some way or another, you have to make this happen for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you. At least that has been my experience. I wish you well...