My therapist is gone until the 2nd.

Christmas is a VERY rough holiday for us. Being 1,000 miles away from family I feel very abandoned. I should not be with them, but being here with friends and not family is hard - I feel like an orphan. With my therapist being away for a week and a half I just feel abandoned all over again.

I know she's coming back. I know she cares - but I have this irrational fear. That she'll go home, and be with family, loving them of course as she should, but when she realizes how *good* and *lovable* her family is, I fear she'll come back loving me *less*.

I have an incredible hard time with remembering that love does not die as I think it does - that it does not leave when she's away - and does not leave when she doesn't say it. But having to have a long break like this inbetween without being reassured is killing me! Because *I* don't have (what I guess would be called) "object permanence" with her love - I assume she has the same problem - that she will forget me.

With all the struggles of the holiday and her being gone it's just triggering a lot more issues than what I'd like. I also fear that because I am so quick to go numb to it all, that when she comes back I will push away from her because of all the hurt.

Needing lots of support in this very hard season.